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January 3, 2009

There were fewer than half a million Jews in the Warsaw ghetto. There are a million and a half Palestinians in the Gaza ghetto. Jews in the Warsaw ghetto resisted the Nazi occupation with whatever crude weapons they had. A few Germans were killed or wounded but it wasn't a fair fight. Palestinians are resisting the Israeli occupation. A few Jews have been killed or wounded but it's not a fair fight. Here are some excerpts from Chapter Forty-two of Oprah's Dead Son:

"...Things didn't work out for The Third Reich and handy-dandy, Jews got to be God's chosen people again. Jews got given the State of Israel because of all the wrong that got done to them by Hitler and the Nazis, the same way Hitler and the Nazis got given Germany on account of all the wrong that got done to Germans after the First World War. Jews can do no wrong on account of all the wrong that got done to them. The State of Israel can get away with murder the same way Nazis got away with murder. Turnabout is fair play. To the victors go the spoils. Might makes right. Because of the Holocaust, Israel doesn't have to abide by international law, the same way Hitler didn't have to abide by international law after the Treaty of Versailles. The Israeli Defense Force can attack and occupy any territory it wants to attack and occupy. UN resolutions have no effect on the State of Israel. Israel can kill and maim and kidnap anyone it wants to kill and maim and kidnap. Tens of thousands of Palestinians have been routinely tortured in Israeli jails for decades but let one lonely nineteen-year-old Jewish soldier take a wrong turn in Gaza and all holy hell breaks loose—and that's just for starters..." "...Who's more likely to nuke its neighbors? Iran? A country with no nuclear weapons who's a party in good standing to a global nonproliferation treaty? Or Israel? A country with close to four hundred nuclear warheads mounted on cruise missiles in submarines that can be launched in a matter of minutes against any other country in the world, a country with a paranoid-schizophrenic penchant for unprovoked attacks on other sovereign nations, a country that's not only not a party to a nonproliferation treaty but doesn't admit it has any nuclear weapons, period? What kind of big fat lie is that..." "...Jews are a hundred times more likely to be billionaires than anyone else 'cause everyone else in the world is terrified of Jews. The last thing you ever want to do is piss off a Jew. Why? Whoa, let me count the ways. First, Jews are in charge of propaganda for the multinational Nazi conglomerates that have all the money in the world, second, the State of Israel has more nuclear weapons than China, India, Pakistan and the UK put together and third, the United States will protect and defend Israel at all costs against all enemies forever because no politician can get elected in America without the support of Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews in the media and entertainment monopoly. If you piss off a Jew nobody will ever hear a word you have to say—you'll be blackballed, blacklisted, despised, rejected, demonized, ignored, intimidated—and if you piss of Israel you'll get nuked. It's a stacked deck..." "...A handful of Holocaust survivors and their offspring, with the all-pervasive media and entertainment monopoly on their side, are holding the whole world hostage. What should we be more worried about, Israeli cruise missiles armed with nuclear warheads being launched against the United States or Iran maybe enriching enough uranium to blow some Ayatollah's nose someday? The morons in media and entertainment will tell you it's the Ayatollah's nose we have to worry about. How absurd is that? You tell me. Those are the kinds of questions you can ask 'til the cows come home and not only will you never get an answer but nobody will ever even get to hear the question. Hitler and The Holocaust created a monster that's gonna give birth to a monster a thousand times worse than Hitler and the Holocaust ever were..." "...Israel's nuclear arsenal has been around since 1968. Every little community of ten thousand people in the State of Israel has its own personal nuclear weapon. There are sixty-five million people in Iran and the whole country doesn't have any nuclear weapons at all. Israel has unilaterally bombed other countries. Iran hasn't. Those are facts. One out of every four hundred people in the world is Jewish and one out of every three billionaires is a Jew. True or false? True..." "...The land of the free and the home of the brave has been ceded to a handful of Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews in media and entertainment who gear everything that gets into anyone's brain toward two overriding objectives, making money for corporate Nazis and protecting and defending the State of Israel to the last breath of life on earth—whatever it takes, however many trillions of dollars, however much innocent blood, there's nothing more important than making money and keeping Israel safe..." "...There wasn't much Israel and the United States liked better than Iran and Iraq killing and maiming each other to the tune of however many million people it was during the Iran-Iraq war. The more Muslims that kill each other, the fewer Muslims we're going to have to kill in order for Israel to be secure and live in peace. As long there are any self-respecting Muslims left in the Middle East, Israel's never gonna be secure. Nobody in Israel even wants to live in peace. What would there be to kvetch about? It's hard to play the hapless victim when you're pound-for-pound the most powerful nation on the planet. We've hitched our star to a tribe of crazy people.." "...The global Nazi oligarchy's gonna come out smelling like a rose no matter who wins or loses in the Middle East or anywhere else. Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews in the media and entertainment monopoly know how to perpetuate conflict, how to turn it into sizzle, how to sell it, how to capitalize on it. What progress has peace in the Middle East made in sixty years? None. Israel doesn't want an end to hostilities on any terms but its own and its terms are that as long as there's a single Islamic martyr willing to kill himself or herself in order to hurt a single Jew there's not gonna be an end to hostilities. Hostilities make money. There's always gonna be a quibble, a nuance, another nutty little Netanyahu nit to pick. Who's gonna solve that? The bottom line is that Israeli Jews and Arab Muslims don't hit it off, period, and it serves the purposes of media and entertainment to see to it that they never do. I suppose that's anti-Semitic, too..." "...If I'd lived in Nazi Germany, Hitler would've pissed me off. I would've tried to piss him off back. I may have ended up in Dachau but I'd way rather have been in Dachau than goose-stepping around with a swastika on my arm, swallowing Nazi schmaltz all day every day. Where I'm living now is in Nazi America, and it's guys like Si Newhouse and Sumner Redstone and Michael Bloomberg and David Geffen and Stephen Spielberg and Arthur Sulzberger and Jeff Berg and their lawyers and publicists and the army of politicians, college professors and think tank dweebs they own and operate who piss me off. They've got the whole world gagging on worthless, moneygrubbing Nazi schmaltz and drowning in mindless, thoughtless, criminally insane corporate-Nazi horseshit..."

Here's Ginny Good in its entirety. It's free, like me. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com
http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com

"...they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be
thee, nuncle..."

United Talent Agency, Inc.
9560 Wilshire Blvd., Ste. 500
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
(310) 273-6700

http://www.unitedtalent.com

Partial Client List (subject to drastic changes based on further and/or corrected information):

Actors: Liv Tyler, Harrison Ford, Warren Beatty, Peter Coyote, Jim Carrey, Ewan McGregor, Bill Pullman, Renee Zellweger, Johnny Depp, Jeff Bridges, Daryl Hannah, Janeane Garofalo, Matt LeBlanc, Dina Meyer, Jean Claude Van Damme, Melissa George, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Alan Ball, Jack Black, Curtis Hanson, Jason Behr, James Caan, Jared Hess, Martin Lawrence, James Gandolfini, Hideo Nakata, David Chase, Emile Hirsch, The Rock, Elizabeth Banks, Kate Bosworth, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Sandra Oh, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Cheri Oteri, Brooke Shields...

Directors: Lawrence Kasden, Mike Binder, Nick Broomfield, John Dahl, Tamra Davis, M. Night Shyamalan, Curtis Hanson, Peter Horton, Dean Parisot, Conald Petrie, Joe Ruben, John Singleton, Ben Stiller, Ethan Coen, Joel Coen, Ethan Coen, Wes Anderson...

Writers: Judd Apatow, Trace Beaulieu, Carter Blanchard, Paul Chaplin, Curtis Hanson, Amy Holden Jones, Lawrence Kasden, Philip Lazebnik, Jim Mallon, Kevin Murphy, Dana Olsen, Frank Pierson, Bill Rotko, Dick Wolf...

Recording Artists: Gwen Stefani...

Producers: Roy Lee, Doug Davison...

July 26, 2006

When I got home from playing golf yesterday I got in the mail a "certified, return-receipt requested" letter from a lawyer in LA...yikes...one Bryan J. Freedman, to be precise, a graduate of Cal Berkeley and, be still my heart, McGeorge School of Law. It wasn't a bad letter as letters from lawyers go; I worked for lawyers for awhile, so I know. And it cost him $4.64 to send the sucker. Of course I was flattered that a guy who was recognized by his peers as a Southern California Super Lawyers Rising Star in 2004 would spend such an exorbitant amount of money to send me a letter...hey, who wouldn't be? The gist of Bryan's letter is as follows:

Accordingly, (United Talent Agency, Inc.) requests that you kindly remove from the Website all contact information pertaining to UTA and its agents, including, but not limited to names, addresses, telephone numbers, e-mail addresses and website information. In the alternative, if you choose to maintain such contact information on the Website, UTA requests that you inform people accessing the Website that by sending unsolicited materials, UTA will not read them and may never consider them in the future because such materials were initially unsolicited.

Yo! Bryan! I choose Number Two. "People" may consider themselves informed. I'm sure Joseph Goebbels and the Reich Ministry of Propaganda and Public Enlightenment had a similar policy. Old Joe didn't need no stinking lawyers, though, he had a bunch of them nice young fellows in the brown shirts to do his dirty work...some of whom may even have gotten the equivalent of a JD from the equivalent of McGeorge School of Law. That's in Sacramento, isn't it? Oo, oo, you should go read Chapter Thirty-One. G.

August 30, 2006

Dear Bryan: Please distribute the following press release to all the agents at United Talent Agency, Inc. and thanks for saving me the trouble of having to do it myself. G.

EWA, Fifth Edition, September 2006

The Fifth Edition of "EVERYONE WHO'S ANYONE IN ADULT TRADE PUBLISHING, NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, BROADCASTING AND TINSELTOWN, TOO: A Writer's Guide to The All-Pervasive Propaganda Network" is finally finished. Phew.

EWA (everyonewhosanyone.com) is a free, searchable, 1.2 GB e-mail and web address directory of over fifteen thousand (15,000) of the most influential geniuses in the media and entertainment industries in the US, UK and Canada whose delightful job it is to keep themselves and others deceived, deluded, ditzy, indentured and dumb. Here's the page you're listed on:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/press.html

During the four years EWA has been online, I found a good agent, sold one of my books (Ginny Good), got it published the way I wanted it published and made it into a fifteen-hour, multimedia audio book all on my own. The Audio Book of Ginny Good is easily and by far the single greatest literary achievement of the 21st Century. Listen to it and see. It's free. Like me.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

Or not. Stay safe in your comfortable cave with money-grubbing, totalitarian thought thugs conning you into thinking you have something worth reading, writing, seeing, hearing or saying to read, write, see, hear or say. You don't. Ha! There's plenty of other worthwhile stuff on the rest of the site...EWA is easily and by far the single greatest work of prescriptive nonfiction of the 21st Century, itself. Click some links and see. It's also free, like me.

Finally, if you have no interest in great works of art and don't want me to send you any more e-mails, let me know and I will gladly put a little mark (666) by your name to remind me not to send you any more e-mails. Thanks. G.

October 10, 2006

Please distribute to everyone at UTA. Thanks. G.

I just got my "royalty" statement from the publisher. GINNY GOOD sold 24 copies worldwide in the last six months and I bought four of the copies, myself...so that's what? Less than one copy a week? Yes! I get a dollar for every copy sold, though, so in six months I made enough to pay for almost two of the four of my own books I bought. Yippee! Oh, but wait, I don't actually get the twenty-four bucks 'cause I still owe $1,800 on the $2,000 "advance." Rats. At that rate the advance won't be paid off 'til I'm a hundred and eighteen years old. Oh, well. Melville never paid off the advance for Moby Dick, not to mention poor Van Gogh and Kafka. Here's the latest "review" of The Audio Book of Ginny Good:

http://thommalyn.blogspot.com/2006/09/audio-book-of-ginny-good.html

Here are more reviews of the audio book...and a bunch of the real book, too:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggrev.html

When you write a great work of timeless literature and get it published the way you want it published, whether it makes money or not is superfluous. What's even more superfluous is the sickeningly synthetic, book-doctored schlock and pretentious claptrap that wins awards, ends up on preposterous "bestseller" lists and gets itself made into slavish movies. Keeping people stupid can't be a very rewarding way to make a living. Can it? Nah. The geniuses who run the media and entertainment industries will understand that one of these days. Or not.

Oh, oh, p.s., as yet another new art form I've invented, I'm going to be sending the occasional exquisite e-mail "press release" (like this one) to select people on my little list of 15,000 media and entertainment boys and girls who constitute the modern-day equivalent of the Reich Ministry of Propaganda and Public Enlightenment, so if you don't want me to send you any more e-mails, let me know and I will gladly put a little mark (666) by your name to remind me not to send you any more e-mails. Thanks. G.

December 23, 2007

New News

Ginny Good (ISBN: 0972635750) was the best, brightest, most beautiful, most important work of literary art published anywhere in the world so far this century. Nobody got to read it 'cause it didn't get any hype from the money grubbing media and entertainment morons who run the permanently closed ministry of propaganda and public enlightenment that rots your brain, robs you blind and turns you into passive killers and active slaves from cradle to grave. Oh, well. I just got all the rights back from the publisher, though, so now it's a free e-book. Yippee!

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

Oh, oh, you can get Ginny Good on your Kindle, too, or in your cell phone at booksinmyphone.com. Do with it what you will. Thanks. G.

Gerard Jones
http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com

Sing the song, boys and girls: "We all live in a complete police state...a complete police state...a complete police state..."

***Redacted***

I prefer not to. You're precisely the sort of guy I want ON my mailing list on the off chance you might read your mail and go gaga over one of my beautiful books...which I think is your job, right? Thanks. G.

***Redacted***

Hey, Keya, I'm not looking for representation. I don't even own the film rights. I just wrote the book. It's gonna make a perfect movie. Your present clients might be right for some of the roles, that's all. Like Johnny Depp. There's a part in the book that would make his whole career. Get him to read the thing. He'll be ever so appreciative. Please feel free to forward this e-mail to him or Tracey Jacobs. Oh, Lawrence Kasden might want to take a stab at the screenplay, too. Do you guys still represent those Coen guys? They'd love to make a movie out of it if they ever read the book. But you know more about all that stuff than I do...once you read Ginny Good I figure you'll know exactly what to do with it but you're never gonna read it if you don't know about it. So I told you. Thanks. G.

uta does not accept unsolicited material.

UTA don't know what it's missing then, do it? G.

UTA Production Department

http://www.utaproduction.com

Paradigm Talent & Literary Agency (LA)
360 N. Crescent Dr., North Bldg.
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
(310) 288-8000
(310) 288-2000 (Fax)

AEA, AFTRA, DGA, SAG, WGA

http://www.paradigmla.com

Partial Client List:

Actors: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Laurence Fishburne, Andy Garcia, Chris Cooper, Dennis Franz, Allison Janney, Brooke Burns, Lacey Chabert, Nia Long, Jon Crier, Vivica A. Fox, Kimberly Elise, Natasha Hentridge, Esai Morales, Eric LaSalle, Lauren Holly, Angus MacFadyn, Sam Huntington, India.Arie, Teri Hatcher, Lauren Bacall, Bobby Cannavale, Martha Coolidge, Ehren Kruger..

Directors: John Sayles...

Other: The Black Eyed Peas, Lyle Lovitt, Travis Tritt...

Okey-doke, all fixed except for NY. Hey, let me know if you want to read my beautiful book and I'll send you a copy. Here are some reviews:

GG Reviews

But don't have me send you a copy if you don't wanna read it. I wanna get that Phillip Seymour Hoffman guy to be one of the main characters when it gets made into a movie 'cause someone I like told me he'd be good. If you want a book, give me an address to send it to. Thanks. G.

***Redacted***

Too bad. Silly policy. Pick up a copy anyway, then solicit the thing before your old buddies at CAA beat you to it. Thanks. G.

***Redacted***

Hey, Frank, nope, I'm not the comic book guy although we get each other's email on occasion and think well of one another. Ginny Good is gonna make a wonderful movie, however--if I can get it into the hands of someone in a position to realize that..oh, and it'll be some really good cinamatographer's dream project, too. If you want me to send you a copy anyway, let me know. Thanks. G.

Paradigm Talent & Literary Agency (NY)
200 W. 57th Street
New York, NY 10019
(212) 246-1030

AEA, AFTRA, DGA, SAG, WGA

http://www.paradigmla.com

The Firm
9465 Wilshire Blvd., 6th Flr.
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
(310) 860-8000

Partial Client List (subject to drastic changes based on further and/or corrected information):

Martin Scorsese, Vin Diesel, Cameron Diaz, Limp Bizkit, Korn, Dixie Chicks, Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman, Leonardo Di Caprio, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Linken Park, Snoop Dogg, Enrique Iglesias, Orlando Bloom, Jamie Kennedy, Devon Aoki...

Hey, Jeff, if you're still hanging out with that Britttnay Murphy chick, have her read a copy of Ginny Good and see if she wants to be Ginny. Thanks. G.

Innovative Artists Talent and Literary Agency
1505 10th Street
Santa Monica, CA 90401
(310) 656-0400

Production (Below-the-line) Division
1617 Broadway, 3rd Flr.
Santa Monica, CA 90404
(310) 656-5152

235 Park Avenue South, 7th Flr.
New York, NY 10003
(212) 253-6900

Industry Entertainment
955 S. Carrillo Dr., Ste. 300
Los Angeles, CA 90048
(323) 954-9000

Agency for the Performing Arts
Talent and Literary Agency
9200 Sunset Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90069
(310) 888-4200

http://www.apa-agency.com

***Redacted***

That's okay, it's Actors I want to play the characters in the book. There are four main roles and a bunch of memorable parts for character Actors, all of which are gonna be the sorts or roles that will make an Actor's whole career. You or they would have to read the book to find that out for yourselves, however. That Kevin Zegers guy might be good for the lead, for example. He's a guy who goes from sixteen to twenty-seven in the book, from Michigan to San Francisco in the heyday of all that Haight-Ashbury stuff. I'd be happy to send you or him or anyone else who wants to be part of one of the best movies of the 21st Century a signed copy of the book. Y'all would dig it. Thanks. G.

Abrams Artists Agency
9200 Sunset Blvd, Suite 1130
West Hollywood, CA 90069
(310) 859-0625

275 7th Avenue, 26th Flr.
New York, NY 10001
(646) 486-4600

http://www.abramsartists.com

***Redacted***

Dear Morgan: I sent Maura the same e-mail I sent you. She didn't respond. The book is engaging, you should pick up a copy and read it just for fun...and when you fall utterly in love with it (like everyone who knows a good book when he or she reads one does), we can make it into a theatrical project. Ha! If you've been doing theater for awhile you'd probably especially like Chapters Three and Four. You'll also be happy to know that you're among the elite .001% of agents who bothered to reply to my cool query letter at all. The rest of them, like Maura, ignored it, as is their wont. Thanks. G.

Metropolitan Talent Agency
4526 Wilshire Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90010
(323) 857-4500

http://www.mta.com

Cinetic Media
555 W. 25th St., 4th Flr.
New York, NY 10001
(212) 204-7979

http://www.cineticmedia.com

Diverse Talent Group
1875 Century Park East,
Los Angeles, CA 90067
(310) 201-6565

http://www.diversetalentgroup.com

TalentWorks
3500 West Olive Avenue, Ste. 1400
Burbank, CA 91505
(818) 972-4300

220 East 23rd Street, Ste. 400
New York, NY 10010
(212) 889-0800

Partial Client List:

Actors: Scott Baio, Bonnie Bartlett, Desmond Askew, John Shea, Paige Moss, Ashanti, Julia Schultz, Terri Hardin, Adam Hendershot, William Sanderson...

Writers: Bob Randall...

***Redacted***

So go buy the book, read it, see for yourself what a good movie it would make and solicit the sucker. Seems simple enough to me. Thanks. G.

Grant, Savic, Kopaloff and Associates
6399 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 414
Los Angeles, CA 90048
(323) 782-1854

http://www.gsktalent.com

Stone Manners Talent and Literary Agency
6500 Wilshire Blvd, Ste. 550
Los Angeles, CA 90048
(323) 655-1313

BWR
9100 Wilshire Blvd.
Sixth Floor, West Tower
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
(310) 550-7776

Keidan Management
750 Third Ave., 6th Flr.
New York, NY 10017
(212) 210-0066

Tisherman Agency
6767 Forest Lawn Drive, Ste. 101
Los Angeles, CA 90068
(323) 850-6767

Mirisch Agency, Inc.
1801 Century Park East, Ste. 1801
Los Angeles, CA 90067
(310) 282-9940

http://www.mirisch.com

The Safran Company
9420 Wilshire Blvd., Ste. 250
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
(310) 278-1450

The Gage Group
9255 Sunset Blvd., Ste. 515
Los Angeles, CA 90069
(310) 859-8777

315 W. 57th St., Ste. 4H
New York, NY 10019
(212) 541-5250

(@) = Not a corporate fascist. (Feel free to apply for non-corporate fascist status...simply tell me in fifty words or fewer why you think you're not a corporate fascist.)

(*) = E-mail bounced. Correct information much appreciated. In fact, anyone who knows anything I don't know, let me know.

(!) = E-mail blocked (just mine, not yours), probably 'cause the intended recipient and/or the company by which he or she is owned and operated is an extra brainwashed, super chicken, corporate fascist goon.

(666) = Asked not to be contacted (by me, not by you), very likely because he or she is a happy little slave boy or a happy little slave girl and doesn't want it any other way, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com