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January 3, 2009

There were fewer than half a million Jews in the Warsaw ghetto. There are a million and a half Palestinians in the Gaza ghetto. Jews in the Warsaw ghetto resisted the Nazi occupation with whatever crude weapons they had. A few Germans were killed or wounded but it wasn't a fair fight. Palestinians are resisting the Israeli occupation. A few Jews have been killed or wounded but it's not a fair fight. Here are some excerpts from Chapter Forty-two of Oprah's Dead Son:

"...Things didn't work out for The Third Reich and handy-dandy, Jews got to be God's chosen people again. Jews got given the State of Israel because of all the wrong that got done to them by Hitler and the Nazis, the same way Hitler and the Nazis got given Germany on account of all the wrong that got done to Germans after the First World War. Jews can do no wrong on account of all the wrong that got done to them. The State of Israel can get away with murder the same way Nazis got away with murder. Turnabout is fair play. To the victors go the spoils. Might makes right. Because of the Holocaust, Israel doesn't have to abide by international law, the same way Hitler didn't have to abide by international law after the Treaty of Versailles. The Israeli Defense Force can attack and occupy any territory it wants to attack and occupy. UN resolutions have no effect on the State of Israel. Israel can kill and maim and kidnap anyone it wants to kill and maim and kidnap. Tens of thousands of Palestinians have been routinely tortured in Israeli jails for decades but let one lonely nineteen-year-old Jewish soldier take a wrong turn in Gaza and all holy hell breaks loose—and that's just for starters..." "...Who's more likely to nuke its neighbors? Iran? A country with no nuclear weapons who's a party in good standing to a global nonproliferation treaty? Or Israel? A country with close to four hundred nuclear warheads mounted on cruise missiles in submarines that can be launched in a matter of minutes against any other country in the world, a country with a paranoid-schizophrenic penchant for unprovoked attacks on other sovereign nations, a country that's not only not a party to a nonproliferation treaty but doesn't admit it has any nuclear weapons, period? What kind of big fat lie is that..." "...Jews are a hundred times more likely to be billionaires than anyone else 'cause everyone else in the world is terrified of Jews. The last thing you ever want to do is piss off a Jew. Why? Whoa, let me count the ways. First, Jews are in charge of propaganda for the multinational Nazi conglomerates that have all the money in the world, second, the State of Israel has more nuclear weapons than China, India, Pakistan and the UK put together and third, the United States will protect and defend Israel at all costs against all enemies forever because no politician can get elected in America without the support of Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews in the media and entertainment monopoly. If you piss off a Jew nobody will ever hear a word you have to say—you'll be blackballed, blacklisted, despised, rejected, demonized, ignored, intimidated—and if you piss of Israel you'll get nuked. It's a stacked deck..." "...A handful of Holocaust survivors and their offspring, with the all-pervasive media and entertainment monopoly on their side, are holding the whole world hostage. What should we be more worried about, Israeli cruise missiles armed with nuclear warheads being launched against the United States or Iran maybe enriching enough uranium to blow some Ayatollah's nose someday? The morons in media and entertainment will tell you it's the Ayatollah's nose we have to worry about. How absurd is that? You tell me. Those are the kinds of questions you can ask 'til the cows come home and not only will you never get an answer but nobody will ever even get to hear the question. Hitler and The Holocaust created a monster that's gonna give birth to a monster a thousand times worse than Hitler and the Holocaust ever were..." "...Israel's nuclear arsenal has been around since 1968. Every little community of ten thousand people in the State of Israel has its own personal nuclear weapon. There are sixty-five million people in Iran and the whole country doesn't have any nuclear weapons at all. Israel has unilaterally bombed other countries. Iran hasn't. Those are facts. One out of every four hundred people in the world is Jewish and one out of every three billionaires is a Jew. True or false? True..." "...The land of the free and the home of the brave has been ceded to a handful of Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews in media and entertainment who gear everything that gets into anyone's brain toward two overriding objectives, making money for corporate Nazis and protecting and defending the State of Israel to the last breath of life on earth—whatever it takes, however many trillions of dollars, however much innocent blood, there's nothing more important than making money and keeping Israel safe..." "...There wasn't much Israel and the United States liked better than Iran and Iraq killing and maiming each other to the tune of however many million people it was during the Iran-Iraq war. The more Muslims that kill each other, the fewer Muslims we're going to have to kill in order for Israel to be secure and live in peace. As long there are any self-respecting Muslims left in the Middle East, Israel's never gonna be secure. Nobody in Israel even wants to live in peace. What would there be to kvetch about? It's hard to play the hapless victim when you're pound-for-pound the most powerful nation on the planet. We've hitched our star to a tribe of crazy people.." "...The global Nazi oligarchy's gonna come out smelling like a rose no matter who wins or loses in the Middle East or anywhere else. Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews in the media and entertainment monopoly know how to perpetuate conflict, how to turn it into sizzle, how to sell it, how to capitalize on it. What progress has peace in the Middle East made in sixty years? None. Israel doesn't want an end to hostilities on any terms but its own and its terms are that as long as there's a single Islamic martyr willing to kill himself or herself in order to hurt a single Jew there's not gonna be an end to hostilities. Hostilities make money. There's always gonna be a quibble, a nuance, another nutty little Netanyahu nit to pick. Who's gonna solve that? The bottom line is that Israeli Jews and Arab Muslims don't hit it off, period, and it serves the purposes of media and entertainment to see to it that they never do. I suppose that's anti-Semitic, too..." "...If I'd lived in Nazi Germany, Hitler would've pissed me off. I would've tried to piss him off back. I may have ended up in Dachau but I'd way rather have been in Dachau than goose-stepping around with a swastika on my arm, swallowing Nazi schmaltz all day every day. Where I'm living now is in Nazi America, and it's guys like Si Newhouse and Sumner Redstone and Michael Bloomberg and David Geffen and Stephen Spielberg and Arthur Sulzberger and Jeff Berg and their lawyers and publicists and the army of politicians, college professors and think tank dweebs they own and operate who piss me off. They've got the whole world gagging on worthless, moneygrubbing Nazi schmaltz and drowning in mindless, thoughtless, criminally insane corporate-Nazi horseshit..."

Here's Ginny Good in its entirety. It's free, like me. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com
http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com

"...they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be
thee, nuncle..."

Irene Webb Literary
822 Bishop's Lodge Road
Santa Fe, New Mexico 87501
(505) 988-1817

http://www.irenewebb.com

Jennifer Lyons Literary Agency
151 West 19th St., 3rd Flr.
New York, NY 10011
(212) 368-2812

http://www.jenniferlyonsliteraryagency.com

Irene Goodman Literary Agency
80 Fifth Avenue, Suite 1101
New York, NY 10011
(212) 604-0330

http://www.irenegoodman.com

Heacock Literary Agency
1020 Hollywood Way, Ste. 439
Burbank, CA 91505

http://www.heacockliteraryagency.com

Here, add this:

I'm looking for writers at least as brilliant as Gerard Jones, fiction, nonfiction. Mind you all, the publishing industry sucks worse than ever. Even at a minimum suck, "first time authors" are a near impossible sell and have been since Jay Gould tried to corner the gold market. Agencies, as evinced by that imbecilic response from PMA to Jones, above here, "correcting" him for having a fucking sense of humor, have gotten as bad. At .03% profits overall last year, 500 books sold per author at 7% royalty and the NY Times pronouncing "Is the publishing industry dead?" you'd think somebody'd get a clue that they're selling well-behaved crap. Real writers know that.

Catt does kids and YA, not adult, and she's 'way full up lately. I do grownups and I'm past my limit and the editors at major houses seem semi-literate and afraid for their jobs, but I still want to see what's going on with the real writers. I read all the queries and about one in 300 is worth reading. I don't want paint-by-numbers BS. I don't want "just like so-and-so, only better." I don't want queriers who hang around literary websites thinking that if only they write the "right" kind of letter, they'll get rich. Publishers and agencies all think the foregoing is what they want. Sales .03%, returns from stores at unprecedented highs, and that's why. None of those geniuses even recognized "Harry Potter" when it came out. Let alone Kerouac and so on. I don't want people who don't know the difference between "foreword" and "forward," or otherwise can't spell.

I'm into "consciousness" but don't want self-realized egotists hawking their worthless seminars or "higher selves" who don't actually DO anything but blabber buzzwords and goodness and self-acceptance and all that rot. I realize that frauds like Eckhart Tolle or Dan Millman or Castaneda sell their fairy tales, but I want people who can DO. For instance one of my guys has broken 27 world athletic records using HIS consciousness thing, 22 of them after age 39, and he just broke 2 more on the same day last month at 45 in front of TV cameras. THAT'S the kind of people who know jack about consciousness. Fiction: one of my fiction writers holds the record for RICO convictions, 35 in a row against mafiosos, and his fiction shows he knows whereof he writes. Another uses the old Pentagon numbers he used to call all the time. I want writers who know what they're talking about down to the soles of their shoes and put it as brilliantly as Jones does, bottom line. Fix all your typos and double-space, and if I sense you're dumb enough to have to rely on "spellcheck" you're out. I make my choices based on whether the work compels me to read it in 1, 2 or 3 sittings depending on subject and naturally want to read it more than once. That's the only real "PoP" there is. Other than that I don't know what I'm looking for. Tom

That was easy. I moved you up the page a ways, too. I almost went to Bay Meadows with Carolyn Cassidy on a bus once but didn't. Thanks. G.

Charles Tolbert Literary Representation
244 Fifth Avenue, Ste. 200
New York, NY 10010

http://www.charlestolbert.com

Anne Edelstein Literary Agency
20 W. 22nd Street, Ste. 1603
New York, NY 10010
(212) 414 - 4923

http://www.aeliterary.com

Cine/Lit Representation
PO Box 802918
Santa Clarita, CA 91380

Many thanks for your ongoing, incredible service. Your research and time make it quite an amazing feat. ~Mary Alice and Anna

Man, that's about the fifteenth time I've spelled Santa Clarita rong. Something bad must have happened to me there; fortunately I'm way too senile to remember what. All fixed (I think). Thanks. G.

Kathi J. Paton Literary Agency
Box 2240 Radio City Station
New York, NY 10101
(212) 265-6586

KT Literary, LLC
9249 S. Broadway, Ste. 200-543
Highlands Ranch, CO 80129

http://www.ktliterary.com

Alison J. Picard, Literary Agent
PO Box 2000
Cotuit, MA 02635

Ann Elphick Literary Agency
36 W. 76th Street, Ste. 4A
New York, NY 10023

Thank you for the heads up on your web site. I'm new at this and can certainly use the extra plug! Thank you. I'm making the segue from many years in publishing pr and feel this gives me a good background for not only getting books published but publicizing them after they're sold. The latter is the easy part compared to the former. As we all know, many a book has died on the in-house publicist's desk. My specialty is celebrity bios, literary fiction, self-help and anything else that is well-written, smart and timely.

Publicizing them after they're sold is the tricky part to me. The hype starts with the sale. If some big publisher is willing to invest a bunch of figures in a book, people immediately think it must be a good book. I'm beginning to lose my sense of the absurd. Thanks. G.

The McCarthy Agency, LLC
7 Allen Street
Rumson NJ 07760

Farber Literary Agency
14 E. 75th Street
New York, NY 10019

Goldfarb & Associates
1501 M Street, NW, Suite 1150
Washington, D.C. 20005

I'm an attorney, and author of 10 books and over 100 articles, as well as a literary agent, which distinguishes me from other agents. Tell me about your books, and you. rg

The new one's going to be impossible to sell because it reunites Oprah Winfrey with the illegitimate child she had when she was fourteen. That whole subplot turns out to be a fantasy induced by the main character having an intracranial aneurysm, but the reader isn't let in on that fact until the fantasy's over and replaced by a more troubling world view--reality. I'll include what distinguishes you from other agents. All I have for you at this point is your name and email address, if you want anything else, let me know what. Thanks. G.

Dear Gerard, As we used to say in television, you buried the lead! So, you'd like to get a book published? Wouldn't we all... Anyway, re the "masterpiece" masquerading as a thriller...attach the first two chapters to me, and I'll take a look. I'll get to the memoir in a little bit. You say that you're putting together a book of agents/editors/publishers? That's fine but it's hard to keep up with all the changes in publishing and even as plugged in as we like to think we are, we have trouble even though we update our books weekly. I also have a copy of Writer's Guide etc., the one that Herman puts out (we're not listed; we're only in the LMP) and I see that it's out-of-date in many instances even though it is the 2002-03 edition. So, good luck with that. And your website? When will that be up and running? Best regards, Robbie Anna Hare

Dear Robbie: I'll end this with a synopsis of the masterpiece masquerading as a thriller and include .rtf attachments of the first two chapters. Take your time with the memoir, it ain't going anywhere. As for Who's Who in adult trade publishing, nobody, not even LMP has got anything like it. It's all going to be free, no advertising, no popups, only a place where people can send me money if they want to and it will include whatever pertinent information I was able to find about a whole bunch of agents, editors and publishers--around 900 so far. I'm not including those for whom I couldn't find an email address. About you, for example, all I have is your name and email address, but that, apparently, was enough. I can update the thing whenever an update is in order, weekly, monthly, whatever. So, will that be slick, or what? Thanks. G.

Dear Gerard, I hope this response hasn't taken too long. As I said, the pile on my desk is Mt. Everest high, and it takes a while to get through all the material. I enjoyed Giselle's antics -- but then, I'm a fairly quirky reader. However, I've had bad experiences in trying to find publishers for work in this genre, and I'm afraid to say, with very little success. Most editors just aren't willing to take on something that doesn't "fit" really well, and I'm afraid I don't think your novel does. At least not yet. So, do please accept my thanks for letting me take a look, and my best wishes in finding an agent who will grab it out of your hands. Sincerely, Robbie Anna Hare, Goldfarb & Associates

Hey, Robbie, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. I'm kind of getting off on the idea that the thing ain't ever going to get published. I consider it a feather in my cap that it don't fit with the claptrap and crap people are publishing readily these days. Thanks for taking a look. Either your email or my email is whacked, by the way. I'm forwarding this to you the way I got it. Thanks again. G.

Dear Gerard, Yikes. Reading my letters to you on your Website was a bit like walking into the living room after guests have arrived and finding I've left my bra draped over the sofa! Anyway, it is what it is and at least the bra is clean, that is, I sound like a reasonable agent with whom to be dealing...How's it all going? All my best, Robbie

Dear Robbie: Ha! It's going swimmingly, thanks. Some people's bras are less clean than others, apparently, but it is what it is—res ipsa loquitur, I always say. G.

Update: March, 2006

Dear Gerard, Good to hear from you, and to see you retain your good-homored edge despite so much rejection. Clearly, you are more philosophical, and optimstic than I! I would like a change to my info on the site, please. For a variety of reasons, including wanting time to research a project of my own that's been on the backburners far too long, I'm taking on very little fiction these days, preferring non-fiction which is, as we both know, a somewhat more predictable market. Oddly, it appears my list favors political and psychological/prescriptive -- with some horseracing thrown in! -- so I'd say they are the sorts of submissions I'll be happy to take a look at. Thanks, Robbie Anna Hare

Horseracing, yes! I ain't philosophical I just happen to know for a total fact that I'm too cool for school, despite what 12,000 nincompoops in the entertainment and media businesses who've never read or listened to my beautiful books have somehow mysteriously concluded. I've got a clip of Neal Cassady asking, "Who's ever happy angry?" in Chapter Twenty-two of the audio book of Ginny Good.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

Thanks. G.

Alison Bond Literary Agency
155 West 72nd Street
New York, NY 10023

Baror International Inc.
831 Mt. Kisco Rd.
Armonk, NY 10504

Pearson Morris & Belt
3000 Connecticut Avenue, NW., Ste. 317
Washington, DC 20008
(202) 723-6088

http://www.morrisbelt.com

The Peter Lampack Agency
551 Fifth Avenue, Suite 1613
New York, NY 10176

Nancy Coffey
Literary & Media Representation
240 West 35th Street, Ste. 500
New York, NY 10001

Wendy Lipkind Agency
120 E. 81st Street
New York, NY 10028
(212) 628- 9653

Bleecker Street Associates
532 La Guardia Place #617
New York, NY 10012

Linda Allen Literary Agency
1949 Green St., #5
San Francisco, CA 94123

Larsen-Pomada
1029 Jones Street
San Francisco, CA 94109
(415) 673-0939

http://www.larsenpomada.com

Hello, Gerard, There are at least 1700 agents in America these days. I like to find fresh voices with new ideas. Would be glad to see the first 10 pp. and 2 p. synopsis of the novel. Send with SASE & phone #. And read our website. Elizabeth

***Redacted***

Dear Michael: Who's who in adult trade publishing I'm simply in the process of doing. I've got the names, addresses, urls, e-mail addresses and whatever information individuals are willing to provide for around 535 agents so far. I've left out all those for whom I couldn't find e-mail addresses (which included a few good agents, but, surprisingly, not that many) and most of those who are obviously neophytes. Now I'm working on editors and publishers. When it's completed, I can update it however often I want, depending on what feedback I may get. The way it will work will be that writers can simply send queries to agents, editors or publishers they find appropriate for their work by clicking on an e-mail address. The only thing I haven't figured out yet is how to make money from the project. I used to live right around the corner from you, on Bush Street, by the way. You have a cool house. Thanks. G.

***Redacted***

Hey, Michael, here's what the page you're on is generally gonna look like. It's one of the smaller pages, actually, and is one of eight pages just like it with my first pass at the project which will evenntually include everyone who's anyone in adult trade publishing in the US and the UK. So is it better than Jeff Herman's book, or what? It might even be better than the LMP, too, and it sure don't cost no $389 a year. Thanks. G.

***Redacted***

Dear Mike: What, pray tell, is an expectation of confidentiality? People say what they say. I say what I say back. That's what the unadorned truth turns out to be. It's funny and sad and revelatory. It shows rather than tells what agents, editors and publishers do and how they do it. I crack myself up. I don't pontificate. Those who have ears hear. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. Best of luck helping writers launch careers. G.

***Redacted***

Dear Mike: If my name were Jon I might think you pay close enough attention to what you read and write to really care whether some silly writer said what you said in some silly website, but my name's not Jon and I can't see anything wrong with what you said. I thought it was actually sort of bland. What exactly do you want removed? Having been a writer for four decades I've come to know that honesty's the best policy. I've never said anything I've ever wanted removed from anywhere. I do unto others as I would have them do unto me. Thanks again. Gerard Jones

***Redacted***

Hey, Michael, since it's my project and I have a pretty good idea what's good for writers too, how about we leave everything the way it is? I've included the url to your website and have read and recommend the good, sound, solid, uplifting advice provided there. You're welcome to add anything you wish, but I'm doing this thing the way I'm doing it and I truly do not understand what was "wrong" with your earlier comments. They were candid. That's what writers deserve from agents, editors and publishers and that's what I'm endeavoring to give them. Thanks. G.

Hi! Please delete everything in my entry and replace with the following: Please follow the submission instructions on our website. For fiction, send the first 10 pp. and 2 p. synopsis. For narrative nonfiction, mail three chapters and an outline. For other nonfiction, follow the guidelines in HOW TO WRITE A BOOK PROPOSAL, available in libraries and bookstores. An outline also appears on the website. Always include SASE & phone #, and remember, your promotion plan may be the key to selling a project to a major house. Cheers, Mike Larsen (415) 673-0939, 10-5 PST

Coming February 2005: The Second San Francisco Writers Conference. The first one sold out.

http://www.sanfranciscowritersconference.com

Thanks in advance for letting others know about the conference. Do you happen to know many agents there are the in the US? Hope all's well with you and the directory is as successful as you want it to be. Cheers, M.

Hey, Michael, during this current April 2004 revision I've got valid e-mail addresses for around 1,300 US agents, excluding for the most part book doctors, Hollywood guys and agents who chage fees of any kind. Were they and the agents for whom I couldn't find e-mail addresses included I would guess the number at close to 3,000. You can verify the exact number by doing a search on "@" on the five pages of US agents I've listed. I've included a couple hundred UK and Canadian agents, as well. All is peachy with me. I'd like to figure out a way to make big bucks off this sucker since it totally blows Jeff Herman's guide and anything else out there--probably including the LMP--out of the water in terms of currency, ease of use and inclusivity, but big bucks ain't necessarily the best thing one can make. Read my Guest Column at MobyLives and some of the other publicity here:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/press.html

How was the writer's conference? Hey, you should get a copy of Ginny Good, too. It's a total San Francisco book. Thanks. G.

Gerard, please add this to my listing:

NO PAPER PLEASE! I accept only emailed submissions of adult genre fiction and children's middle-grade and young adult fiction. The first ten pages and a 1-2 page synopsis should be pasted into the body of an email. I don't open attachments. Reply time is approximately 4 weeks but could be longer if I?m especially busy. I'm looking for great writing, solid world building, characters that are compelling and unusual plots. (Who isn't?) Visit my blog at www.agentsavant.com for insight. I handle adult genre fiction and middle grade/young adult children's books.

All fixed. Here's a chapter of the Audio Book of Ginny Good called "La Honda." Listen to it and tell me if anything's changed since May of 1965:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch19m.mp3

Here's the whole book for free. Thanks. G

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

Andrea Brown Literary Agency

http://www.andreabrownlit.com

We take only e-mail queries. Best, Caryn

Spencerhill Associates, Ltd.
P.O. Box 374
24 Park Row
Chatham, NY 12037

The Corporate Law Group
Waterfront Plaza, 500 Airport Blvd., Suite 120
Burlingame, CA 94010
(650) 227-8000

http://preskilllaw.blogspot.com

Hornfischer Literary Management, Inc.
P.O. Box 50067
Austin, TX 78763

http://www.hornfischerliterarymanagement.com

Fifi Oscard Agency
110 W. 40th Street, 16th Flr.
New York, NY 10018
(212) 764-1100

http://www.fifioscard.com

PMA Literary & Film Management
45 West 21st Street, 6th Flr.
New York, NY 10010

http://www.pmalitfilm.com

Gerard, Look at our website. I would like to take a look at your work. Best, Peter Miller

Dear Peter: Number one, you have an exquisite website. Here's the way I'll include your company in the project I'm putting together.

The novel I have available now is going to be really tricky to sell because it includes a plot which entails reuniting Oprah Winfrey with the illegitimate son she had when she was fourteen. It turns out to have been a fantasy induced in the main character by a giant intracranial aneurysm, but readers aren't told that up front. I'll send you a synopsis and couple chapters if you like. Thanks. G.

G., whoever you are, I don't know who you are and I don't print out mss. for people I don't know. Good luck, Peter Miller

Peter: You sent me an email yesterday. I took a look at your website, liked it and answered your email after I had done so. Thanks. G.

Gerard, Please send your mss. in the mail. Best, Peter Miller

Dear Peter: In an email, you said you'd like to see some of my work. I've enclosed the above referenced novel. I'm in the middle of doing another version with the new title, but you should be able to get a pretty good idea from this whether you want to pursue it or not. Thanks again. Gerard Jones

Gerard, I'll pass but thanks for the opportunity. Good luck. Peter Miller

Peter, Pay attention. At your request I sent you a book a month or so ago. You'll pass on what? Sheesh. G.

Gerard, I only deal with authors exclusively and am just too busy to get involved in this. Peter Miller

Peter, I'm an author. You have one of my books. You asked me to send it to you. I sent it to you. I'm not asking you to get involved in anything. I'm asking you to THINK for like about one-tenth of a second. Or not. Thanks. G.

Dear Gerard Jones: Thank you for letting us read ASTRAL WEEKEND. Although the book is very interesting and the character of Giselle comes across very clearly from the opening pages, it is not a book that is right for PMA's list. I appreciate your sending it to us and wish you the best of luck in placing it elsewhere. You did not include return postage so we are going to discard your manuscript. Sincerely, Peter Miller

Update: January, 2005

Gerard, Thanks for the email. There is lots happening at PMA and Millennium Lion, Inc. in '05 so stay in touch and also visit PMA's website to stay up to date. Best, Peter Miller, President

Hey, I never got my autographed copy of GINNY GOOD ... I gave money and everything. K

Oh, man, that's too bad...I'm sure I sent it, but give me an address and I'll send you another copy along with a copy of the fifteen hour audio book on .mp3 CDs. Here's the index and some sample chapters.

http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

And if you can't wait 'til then, here's the whole book online for free. It includes some sample chapters of the audio book, too. Click the links that say "Listen." Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

PMA receives hundreds of submissions weekly. A professional writer acts as such before they are published. Best of luck.

How does one "act" professional? Is that some kind of code word for being a kowtowing, no-talent, kiss-up gerbil who couldn't write his or her way out of a paper bag? Just curious. G.

No, more along the lines of not writing a nasty response when receiving a letter declining representation.

Oh, come on, you think Kafka didn't get a little ticked when nobody published any of his stuff while he was alive? And yet if you had one of his "nasty" responses you could auction it for more money than you're gonna make in the next ten years. Chill, dudette. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn6.html

I'm sure that's true. Happy Holidays.

Same to you. G.

D4EO Literary Agency
7 Indian Valley Road
Weston, CT 06883
(203) 544-7180

http://publishersmarketplace.com/members/d4eo

Sure. Send the first few chapters as an attached Word or rich text file(s). Bob

Here are the first six chapters, around 50 pages, as .rtf files. Thanks. G.

I like the first chapter. Assuming that the ms. is not out with other agents and hasn't been seen by publishers, please send it to me on a two week exclusive basis and I will let you know if I will offer representation. Best, Bob

When I got to page 134 and was truly disappointed that I had no more .... it was clear I would like to try and sell your book for you. I haven't a clue where this novel is going except that it seems clear that The Mayonnaise Man is all in her mind ... what you do with that and where you are going I have not a clue. Yes, please send the rest. I'm pleased to become your agent. Best, Bob Diforio

Hey, Bob, here's a synopsis. You're right about it being a total fantasy, think "Being John Malcovich," but, be that as it may, it's still going to be a tricky book to sell on account of Oprah's gonna have a cow and publishers are scared of her insofar as she appears to have accounted for around eight percent of trade fiction sales over the last few years. I'm still fiddling with the end, but I'll send you the rest of what I have. Thanks. G.

Thanks. Now tell me something about you. Best, Bob

Something about me? Like biographically speaking? I grew up in Michigan, moved to San Francisco, had a long life and now live in Ashland, Oregon. My literary education? How and why I became a "writer?" Okay:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch08m.mp3

Thanks. G.

Hi - Sorry to report that Sourcebooks is passing, just received their letter of 7/15. I am going to return the ms. and send you a copy of the letter. Sorry I couldn't be of more help but I am just swamped with work. I wish you every success with another agent. Bob

What? G.

Aren't you the author of Ophra Wimsfree & The Mayonnaise Man?

Yep, but I haven't heard anything from you for months, haven't finishd the ms. yet and have no idea why you're sending it out. Kindly explain. Thanks. G.

We had an exchange of e-mails in which I offered to have one editor read the work to date. You sent me revisions, twice and with the second set I sent it to an editor at Sourcebooks. Do you not remember your note "use this and throw out what I previously sent?" The point of my earlier e-mail today was that the editor at Sourcebooks passed and I am returning what you sent me back to you. This didn't happen in a vacuum. Bob

Bob: I have all our emails. You did not offer to have "an editor read the work to date," nor were you authorized to act on my behalf. We established no agency agreement. And if we had wouldn't your "best efforts" include submitting the work to more than one editor? Just curious. Thanks again. G.

Richard Parks Agency
138 East 16th Street #5B
New York, NY 10003

http://richardparksagency.com

Orion Associates
PO Box 24
Tenafly, NJ 07670

Literary and Creative Artists
3543 Albemarle Street NW
Washington, DC 20008

http://www.lcadc.com

Metropol Literary
115 W. 29th Street, 10th Floor
New York, NY 10001

9663 Santa Monica Blvd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

http://www.metlit.com

Stephen Pevner
382 Lafayette St.
New York, NY 10003
(212) 674-8403

Jodie Rhodes Literary Agency
8840 Villa La Jolla Dr., Suite 315
La Jolla, CA 92037

http://www.jodierhodesliterary.com

Max Gartenberg, Literary Agency
12 Westminster Dr.
Livingston, NJ 07039

Candice Furhman Literary Agency
60 Greenwood Way
Mill Valley, CA 94941

Tracy Sherrod Literary Agency
511 Avenue of the Americas, Ste. 109
New York, NY 10011

The Hall Agency
69 Fifth Ave., 11th Flr.
New York, NY 10003
(212) 675-6259

Hopkins Literary Associates
2117 Buffalo Road, Ste. 327
Rochester, NY 14624

Lyle Steele & Company
511 E. 73rd St., Suite 7
New York, NY 10021

Daniel Bial Agency
41 W. 83rd Street, Suite 5-C
New York, NY 10024

Julia Lord Literary Management
38 West Ninth Street
New York, NY 10011

Jenny Meyer Literary Agency

L. Perkins Associates
15-9 Interlaken Court
Freehold, NJ 07728

Dear Gerard: Like so many of the agents you've contacted, I have a rather full clientele, since I've been in the business 18 years. I handle dark fiction (sci-fi, horror and dark fantasy, as well as dark literary fiction) and nonfiction about pop culture. I'm taking on very few new clients right now. Best, Lori Perkins

Dear Lori: If you do dark fantasy and dark literary fiction, you ought to take a look at this:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/awsyn.html

Or not. Thanks again. G.

Gerard: Thanks, but it's not for me. Best, Lori

Gerard: This is a great resource for writers, and an enormous amount of work for you. But very cool. Good luck with it. I hope it makes you famous, or at least notorius. You might want to try writing up your experiences chasing agents and editors for one of those writing articles. Best, Lori

Hey, Lori, it's not really that much work and what work it is is fun or I wouldn't do it. There will most likely come a day when all this agenting and editing and book buying and book selling and book promoting will be done more electronically and resources like my little website will come in handy. I like being a pioneer. As for writing an article, the thing's an article all by itself. Thanks. G.

The Rappaport Agency
15-9 Interlaken Court
Freehold, NJ 07728
(908) 770-4614

http://www.rappaportagency.com

Spectrum Literary Agency
320 Central Park West, #1-D
New York, NY 10025

http://spectrumliteraryagency.com

The Jeff Herman Agency
332 Bleecker Street, Suite 631
New York, NY 10014

Creative Book Services
66 Grand Street, Suite One
New York, NY 10013
(212) 226-1936

Patricia Moosbrugger Literary Agency
165 Bennet Ave., Ste. 6M
New York, New York 10040

The Martell Agency
545 Madison Avenue
New York, NY 10022
(212) 317-2672

The Doe Coover Agency
PO Box 668
Winchester, MA 01890

http://doecooveragency.com

Anderson Literary Agency
435 Convent Ave., Ste. 5
New York, NY 10031

Pam Strickler Author Management
PO Box 429
2760 Lucas Turnpike
Accord, NY 12404

http://pamstrickler.com

Stephanie von Hirschberg Literary Agency
1385 Baptist Church Rd.
Yorktown Heights, NY 10598

Please note that I cannot respond to e-mail queries. Stephanie von Hirschberg

Kathryn Green Literary Agency
250 West 57th St., Ste. 2302
New York, NY 10107
(212) 245-4225

Ruth Cohen, Inc., Literary Agency
PO Box 2244
La Jolla, CA 92038

3890 Nobel Drive, Ste. 707
San Diego, CA 92122

Barbara Tolley Associates
80 5th Avenue
New York, NY 10011
(212) 647-1800

Julie Rubenstein

Regina Ryan Publishing Enterprises
251 Central Park West, #7D
New York, NY 10024

Robert Astle Literary Management
12 Desbrosses Street
New York, NY 10013
(212) 277-8014

http://www.astleliterary.com

The Charlotte Gusay Agency
10532 Blythe
Los Angeles, CA 90064

http://www.gusay.com

The Fielding Agency
269 South Beverly Drive, Suite 341
Beverly Hills, CA 90212

http://fieldingagency.com

Rebecca Strong International Literary Agency

Analog Arts Agency
417 Broadway
Santa Cruz, CA 95060
(831) 457-9466

The Grosvenor Literary Agency
5510 Grosvenor Lane
Bethesda, MD 20814
(301) 564-6231

Craig Nelson Company
115 W. 18th Street, 5th Floor
New York, NY 10011

(@) = Not a corporate fascist. (Feel free to apply for non-corporate fascist status...simply tell me in fifty words or fewer why you think you're not a corporate fascist.)

(*) = E-mail bounced. Correct information much appreciated. In fact, anyone who knows anything I don't know, let me know.

(!) = E-mail blocked (just mine, not yours), probably 'cause the intended recipient and/or the company by which he or she is owned and operated is an extra brainwashed, super chicken, corporate fascist goon.

(666) = Asked not to be contacted (by me, not by you), very likely because he or she is a happy little slave boy or a happy little slave girl and doesn't want it any other way, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com