Find (on this page): Ctrl+F

January 3, 2009

There were fewer than half a million Jews in the Warsaw ghetto. There are a million and a half Palestinians in the Gaza ghetto. Jews in the Warsaw ghetto resisted the Nazi occupation with whatever crude weapons they had. A few Germans were killed or wounded but it wasn't a fair fight. Palestinians are resisting the Israeli occupation. A few Jews have been killed or wounded but it's not a fair fight. Here are some excerpts from Chapter Forty-two of Oprah's Dead Son:

"...Things didn't work out for The Third Reich and handy-dandy, Jews got to be God's chosen people again. Jews got given the State of Israel because of all the wrong that got done to them by Hitler and the Nazis, the same way Hitler and the Nazis got given Germany on account of all the wrong that got done to Germans after the First World War. Jews can do no wrong on account of all the wrong that got done to them. The State of Israel can get away with murder the same way Nazis got away with murder. Turnabout is fair play. To the victors go the spoils. Might makes right. Because of the Holocaust, Israel doesn't have to abide by international law, the same way Hitler didn't have to abide by international law after the Treaty of Versailles. The Israeli Defense Force can attack and occupy any territory it wants to attack and occupy. UN resolutions have no effect on the State of Israel. Israel can kill and maim and kidnap anyone it wants to kill and maim and kidnap. Tens of thousands of Palestinians have been routinely tortured in Israeli jails for decades but let one lonely nineteen-year-old Jewish soldier take a wrong turn in Gaza and all holy hell breaks loose—and that's just for starters..." "...Who's more likely to nuke its neighbors? Iran? A country with no nuclear weapons who's a party in good standing to a global nonproliferation treaty? Or Israel? A country with close to four hundred nuclear warheads mounted on cruise missiles in submarines that can be launched in a matter of minutes against any other country in the world, a country with a paranoid-schizophrenic penchant for unprovoked attacks on other sovereign nations, a country that's not only not a party to a nonproliferation treaty but doesn't admit it has any nuclear weapons, period? What kind of big fat lie is that..." "...Jews are a hundred times more likely to be billionaires than anyone else 'cause everyone else in the world is terrified of Jews. The last thing you ever want to do is piss off a Jew. Why? Whoa, let me count the ways. First, Jews are in charge of propaganda for the multinational Nazi conglomerates that have all the money in the world, second, the State of Israel has more nuclear weapons than China, India, Pakistan and the UK put together and third, the United States will protect and defend Israel at all costs against all enemies forever because no politician can get elected in America without the support of Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews in the media and entertainment monopoly. If you piss off a Jew nobody will ever hear a word you have to say—you'll be blackballed, blacklisted, despised, rejected, demonized, ignored, intimidated—and if you piss of Israel you'll get nuked. It's a stacked deck..." "...A handful of Holocaust survivors and their offspring, with the all-pervasive media and entertainment monopoly on their side, are holding the whole world hostage. What should we be more worried about, Israeli cruise missiles armed with nuclear warheads being launched against the United States or Iran maybe enriching enough uranium to blow some Ayatollah's nose someday? The morons in media and entertainment will tell you it's the Ayatollah's nose we have to worry about. How absurd is that? You tell me. Those are the kinds of questions you can ask 'til the cows come home and not only will you never get an answer but nobody will ever even get to hear the question. Hitler and The Holocaust created a monster that's gonna give birth to a monster a thousand times worse than Hitler and the Holocaust ever were..." "...Israel's nuclear arsenal has been around since 1968. Every little community of ten thousand people in the State of Israel has its own personal nuclear weapon. There are sixty-five million people in Iran and the whole country doesn't have any nuclear weapons at all. Israel has unilaterally bombed other countries. Iran hasn't. Those are facts. One out of every four hundred people in the world is Jewish and one out of every three billionaires is a Jew. True or false? True..." "...The land of the free and the home of the brave has been ceded to a handful of Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews in media and entertainment who gear everything that gets into anyone's brain toward two overriding objectives, making money for corporate Nazis and protecting and defending the State of Israel to the last breath of life on earth—whatever it takes, however many trillions of dollars, however much innocent blood, there's nothing more important than making money and keeping Israel safe..." "...There wasn't much Israel and the United States liked better than Iran and Iraq killing and maiming each other to the tune of however many million people it was during the Iran-Iraq war. The more Muslims that kill each other, the fewer Muslims we're going to have to kill in order for Israel to be secure and live in peace. As long there are any self-respecting Muslims left in the Middle East, Israel's never gonna be secure. Nobody in Israel even wants to live in peace. What would there be to kvetch about? It's hard to play the hapless victim when you're pound-for-pound the most powerful nation on the planet. We've hitched our star to a tribe of crazy people.." "...The global Nazi oligarchy's gonna come out smelling like a rose no matter who wins or loses in the Middle East or anywhere else. Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews in the media and entertainment monopoly know how to perpetuate conflict, how to turn it into sizzle, how to sell it, how to capitalize on it. What progress has peace in the Middle East made in sixty years? None. Israel doesn't want an end to hostilities on any terms but its own and its terms are that as long as there's a single Islamic martyr willing to kill himself or herself in order to hurt a single Jew there's not gonna be an end to hostilities. Hostilities make money. There's always gonna be a quibble, a nuance, another nutty little Netanyahu nit to pick. Who's gonna solve that? The bottom line is that Israeli Jews and Arab Muslims don't hit it off, period, and it serves the purposes of media and entertainment to see to it that they never do. I suppose that's anti-Semitic, too..." "...If I'd lived in Nazi Germany, Hitler would've pissed me off. I would've tried to piss him off back. I may have ended up in Dachau but I'd way rather have been in Dachau than goose-stepping around with a swastika on my arm, swallowing Nazi schmaltz all day every day. Where I'm living now is in Nazi America, and it's guys like Si Newhouse and Sumner Redstone and Michael Bloomberg and David Geffen and Stephen Spielberg and Arthur Sulzberger and Jeff Berg and their lawyers and publicists and the army of politicians, college professors and think tank dweebs they own and operate who piss me off. They've got the whole world gagging on worthless, moneygrubbing Nazi schmaltz and drowning in mindless, thoughtless, criminally insane corporate-Nazi horseshit..."

Here's Ginny Good in its entirety. It's free, like me. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com
http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com

"...they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be
thee, nuncle..."

Folio Literary Management
505 8th Ave., Ste. 603
New York, NY 10018

http://www.foliolit.com

Writers' Representatives
116 W. 14th St., 11th Flr.
New York, NY 10011
(212) 620-9009

http://www.writersreps.com

Jean V. Naggar Literary Agency
216 East 75th Street, Suite 1E
New York, NY 10021

http://www.jvnla.com

Jean Naggar does not accept e-mail queries. We would prefer that potential clients send queries via the US postal service. We do respond to every query that comes in the mail with a SASE, but we don't reply to all e-mail queries.

McIntosh & Otis
353 Lexington Ave., Ste. 1500
New York, NY 10016
(212) 687-7400

http://www.mcintoshandotis.net

Foundry Literary and Media
33 West 17th Street, PH
New York, New York 10011
(212) 929-5064

http://www.foundrymedia.com

The Gernert Company
136 East 57th Street
New York, NY 10022

http://www.thegernertco.com

G, It might be worth mentioning that if authors are querying me or otherwise trying to get in touch and we've never corresponded before, a ton of those types of emails wind up not making it through our spam filter. If they send through info@thegernertco.com, the address we've set up for queries to the agency, they can be 100% sure we'll receive them (this goes for all the Gernert agents).

If you want to leave my email up on the site, there's nothing I can do about it, but just a heads up that if people use it, there's a good chance their email won't get through. The fact is, having our personal emails out on the web, on your site and others, hugely increases the amount of spam we get (from bots that prowl the web looking for email addresses to add to their spam lists, not from legitimate authors, I mean), which means we have to beef up our spam filters, which means in turn that it's more likely that legitimate emails from people our system doesn't recognize won't get through. And for the record, queries that go through the proper channels get far closer consideration than the ones that don't, so authors using your site may want to know that it would behoove them to follow protocol. Anyway, just throwing that out there. Yrs, Chris

Hey, Chris, I've converted all the individual "personal" e-mail addresses into clickable Send e-mail links...that generally thwarts bots...but I like having real people on my site and never was any good at following protocol. Anyone who follows protocol couldn't possibly write anything worth reading or writing or buying or selling or representing. Thanks. G.

The Emma Sweeney Agency
245 East 80th Street
New York, NY 10021

http://www.emmasweeneyagency.com

Dystel & Goderich Literary
One Union Square West, Suite 904
New York, NY 10003

http://www.dystel.com

The Aaron M. Priest Literary Agency
708 Third Ave., 23rd Floor
New York, NY 10017
(212) 818-0344

http://www.aaronpriest.com

The Friedrich Agency
136 East 57th St., 19th Flr.
New York, NY 10022
(212) 317-8810

http://www.friedrichagency.com

John Hawkins & Associates, Inc.
71 West 23rd Street, Ste. 1600
New York, NY 10010

http://www.jhalit.com

Gerard: I liked that chapter, but haven't I seen this before....? Warren Frazier, John Hawkins & Associates

Hey, Warren, yeah, you have, you saw part of an early version, but you haven't seen what it turned into in the last two years. It's something entirely different, although, as I recall, you liked what you saw in the first place. G.

Two years? Good lord, time flies. Well, send it along then. Look forward to reading. WF

Will do. Thanks. G.

Hey, Warren, It's been four months since I sent you the above-referenced book. I presume you've decided not to represent it, but how about returning it to me so I can send it to someone else. Thanks. G.

Hey, Warren, doesn't it bother your conscience at all to simply ignore civil questions? At your request I sent you a book. Did you get it? Do you want to represent it? Will you please return it if you don't? Thanks. G.

Hey, Warren, it just dawned on me what a total fucking cunt you are. Has it dawned on you lately what a total fucking cunt you are? It really should, you know. It will. You'll see. It'll send a little chill up your spine when you get a glimpse of your total fucking cunt self in the mirror, you total fucking cunt. Oh, and after you're done looking at your total fucking cunt self in the mirror, how about sending me my book back? Thanks. G.

Georges Borchardt, Inc.
136 East 57th Street
New York, NY 10022
(212) 753-5785

Max & Co.
A Literary Agency & Social Club
115 Hosea Avenue
Cincinnati, OH 45220
(201) 704-2483

http://www.maxliterary.org

The Strothman Agency
6 Beacon Street, Ste. 810
Boston MA 02108
(617) 742-2011

http://www.strothmanagency.com

Hi Gerard, I just wanted to see if it was possible to update The Strothman Agency entry on your site so that people can check out our submission guidelines? Also, we don't accept e-mail queries, but we are more than happy to look at anything that comes through the mail with a SASE. Additionally, if they have questions it is better to e-mail the agent assistant where they are much more likely to receive a response then if they were to e-mail the actual agents. Thanks so much, Lauren MacLeod, Agent Assistant

The Joy Harris Literary Agency
156 Fifth Ave., Suite 617
New York, NY 10010
(212) 929-6269

Veritas Media
111 Euclid Avenue
Hastings-On-Hudson, NY 10706
(917) 365-4435

Fletcher & Company
78 Fifth Ave., 3rd Flr.
New York, NY 10011

http://www.fletcherandco.com

David Black Literary Agency
156 Fifth Avenue, Suite 608
New York NY 10010

David Vigliano Literary Agency
584 Broadway, Suite 809
New York, NY 10012

http://www.viglianoassociates.com

Lukeman Literary Management
101 North 7th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211

http://www.lukeman.com

Aragi, Inc.
143 West 27th St., Ste. 4-F
New York NY, 10001
(212) 675-8353

http://www.aragi.net

Dear Gerard Jones, I prefer not to be listed in directories. I'd be grateful if you would remove my entry. With thanks, Nicole Aragi

Dear Nicole Aragi: Please refer to the following page for my inclusion/exclusion policy:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/about.html

It's toward the bottom. Oh, and there's more about the whole philosophical concept here:

http://www.mobylives.com/Jones_EWA.html

Regal Literary
1140 Broadway, Penthouse
New York, NY 10001
(212) 684-7900

Regal Literary Ltd.
Studio One, 7 Chalcot Road
Primrose Hill
London NW1 8LH

http://www.regal-literary.com

Dear Mr. Jones: We?d prefer you don?t list our personal email addresses; it doesn?t serve your readers, as we?re each so overwhelmed with correspondence of every kind that none of us answers any submissions to our personal addresses anyway. Our submission guidelines are here:

http://www.regal-literary.com/Submission.html

If people need to email us, the mailbox we check every couple of days is:

info@regal-literary.com

Many thanks, Joe Regal

Hey, Joe, I like including "personal" e-mail addresses 'cause everyone at any given lit agency has his or her own peculiararities but I've also included your suggestions. Thanks. G.

The Steinberg Agency
47 East 19th St., 3rd Flr.
New York, NY 10003

http://www.steinbergagency.com

Stuart Krichevsky Literary Agency
381 Park Avenue South, Suite 914
New York, NY 10016
(212) 725-5288

http://www.skagency.com

Pinder Lane & Garon-Brooke Associates
159 West 53rd Street
New York, NY 10019

Elyse Cheney Literary Associates
270 Lafayette St., Ste. 1504
New York, NY 10012
(212) 277-8007

http://www.cheneyliterary.com

is that the title?

Yep. It's like Smucker's. With a title like that it has to be good. Really good. You'd like it. A lot. Wanna see some? G.

i have to admit, i'm not in love with the title. sorry to disappoint.

You'd fall so in love with the story, you'd come up with a title you loved to go with it. Trust me. (Ha!) G.

alright, you can sen the first fifty pages. thanks, elyse

Yippee! G.

Dear Mr. Jones, Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read the beginning of your novel, Oprah Wimsfree & the Mayonnaise Mans. Unfortunately, I will not be making an offer of representation. Though I enjoyed your writing, I just don't think that this book is for me. I am sorry to disappoint but, as you know, tastes vary wildly from agent to agent and you may have better luck elsewhere. In any case, I wish you the very best. Best regards, (Elyse) Elyse Cheney

The Park Literary Group
270 Lafayette St., Ste. 1504
New York, NY 10012
(212) 691-3500

http://www.parkliterary.com

Barer Literary
270 Lafayette St., Ste. 1504
New York, NY 10012
(212) 691-3513

http://www.barerliterary.com

Ralph M. Vicinanza Ltd.
303 W. 18th Street
New York, NY 10011

Donald Maass Literary Agency
121 West 27th Street, Ste. 801
New York, NY 10001
(212) 727-8383

http://www.maassagency.com

Gerard-It would be best if folks would send e-queries to info@maassagency.com. Thanks. -Don Maass

I passed your suggestion along. Thanks. G.

Hey Gerard, Ah – I?m still only a ?page two? agent, eh? I can dream of making page one someday, though. :-) The information is all correct, thanks. I read of all your good work for Obama via facebook. Well done! -- SB

Hey, Stephen, the Obama facebook guy is a different Gerard Jones, sorry. He's way younger, smarter and more evolved than me. Here's what I think of politics. Thanks. G.

Politics is sport. It's an opiate, a soap opera, a rock concert, a cartoon, a video game, reality TV, just another crude, crass, manipulative, lowest-common-denominator melodrama full of contrived conflict and spurious gossip to keep ordinary consumers clueless, to keep their poor minds cluttered with gratuitous fluff while they work themselves to death, to keep them buying crap they don't need or want and can't afford, to keep them going deeper and deeper into debt, to make sure they're always gonna owe their souls to the company store. It's NASCAR and the Kentucky Derby and the World Series and the Final Four and the Oscars and the Olympics and Miss America and a good old-fashioned back-alley dog fight all rolled into one. The churlish goblins of greed who are in charge of propaganda get together with the mindless, heartless, moneygrubbing ghouls who own Nazi conglomerates, come up with caricatures created by minimum-wage focus groups, call them political candidates, put them in front of audiences all over God's green earth and let them take potshots at one another for a long, long time while snake-oil salesmen in media and entertainment do ringside commentary between ads for Doritos. Who wins or loses doesn't mean diddly—there hasn't been a dime's worth of difference between any two candidates running for political office anywhere in the world in the last sixty years.

Henry Morrison Agency
105 South Bedford Road, Suite 306A
Kisco, NY 10549

Lippincott, Massie, McQuilkin & Co.
80 Fifth Avenue, Suite 1101
New York, New York 10011

http://www.lmqlit.com

Dear Mr. Jones, I founded this new agency with Will Lippincott, who comes to the book side from the magazine world (he was at the New Yorker, then publisher of the new Republic, and, most recently has been publisher at Strategy & Business). Thanks for this. All best, Rob McQ

Manus & Associates Literary Agency
425 Sherman Avenue, Suite 200
Palo Alto, CA 94306

http://www.manuslit.com

Scovil, Galen, Ghosh Literary
276 Fifth Ave., Ste. 708
New York NY 10001
(212) 679-8686

http://www.sgglit.com

Gelfman Schneider
250 West 57th Street, Suite 2122
New York, NY 10107
(212) 245-1993

Levine Greenberg Literary Agency
307 Seventh Ave., Suite 2407
New York, NY 10001
(212) 337-0934

http://www.levinegreenberg.com

Elaine Markson Agency
44 Greenwich Ave.
New York, NY 10011

Brandt & Hochman Literary Agents
1501 Broadway, Ste. 2310
New York, NY 10036
(212) 840-5773

***Redacted***

Dear Gail: I'd cut off my left foot to get you or Bill Contardi, either one, for an agent, but I think you were already scared off by the thriller. Bill was looking at it for a long time, liked it, gave me some useful suggestions and sounded all gung-ho to proceed, but after he checked with the agency with whom he was working--which turned out to be your agency--he put the brakes on the project because it included Oprah Winfrey as part of a fantasy which was induced by a giant aneurysm in the main character's brain. I'm still in the process of figuring out whether I want to fictionalize the Oprah character or not. In the meantime both you and he are welcome to take a look at an earlier version of the memoiresque thing I mentioned. Oops, never mind, it got sold. Thanks again. G. cc: William Contardi

Note: According to Joanne Brownstein, Assistant to Gail Hochman, Gail Hochman is no longer accepting e-mail queries.

***Redacted***

Dear Bill: No, I'm not the comic book Gerard Jones. I was Gerard Jones before he was, by the way. I had a book set in the sixties which I think you took a look when you were at Wm. Morris. I've included a synopsis. I've been told by some fairly heavy-duty agents, including Suzanne Gluck, that editors aren't going to touch this thing with a ten foot pole 'cause it includes Oprah as a character in a long fantasy the protagonist has while she's unconscious. They may be right, but a couple way heavy duty editors have already asked to see the whole manuscript. The writing is solid. It's a fun story. Think Being John Malcovich. As for biography, I studied with Gordon Lish before anyone ever heard of him. I got him started in the writing seminar business, as a matter of fact. Anything else you want to know I'd be happy to tell you. Thanks. Gerard Jones

***Redacted***

Dear Bill: Thanks for the thoughtful comments. I agree with them for the most part, have already substantially fiddled with the last 15 chapters or so and fully intend to go back and fiddle some more with precisely the bits you pointed out as being on the weak side. I'm still not entirely sure how the sucker's gonna end yet so it's silly at this point to go over the whole thing with the kind of fine tooth comb you're talking about, but when I DO know how it ends, I'm sure the beginning will comport more fullly and more cogently to the end. I might also change the title to ASTRAL WEEKEND. I'll send you a new version when I get it done. Feel free to say anything else that crosses your mind. Thanks again. G.

***Redacted***

Dear Bill: The way I understand the law it has to be a fantasy/parody, but it also has to be extraordinarily good--like I bit off a lot and am gonna have to do a modest amount of chewing. I think, however, that a bunch of people are gonna want to read the thing and I also think that when Oprah's people take a look at it, she'll want to produce the movie so she can star in the thing. She'll be pissed for awhile that I resurrected her dead kid and reunited the two of them, but it's a fantasy, after all, a parody, a dream, and Larry Flynt, Jerry Falwell and Jerry Falwell's mother all got together in an outhouse and gave us the Supreme Court decision that we have a right to fantasize and parody and dream about any public figure we want. The other reason it has to be a fantasy (it's actually a function of a giant aneurysm in old Giselle's woebegone brain) is that it all takes place in February of 2002 and people are gonna be aware it didn't really happen. The way she wakes up is really slick. You'll see. Oh, and one last thing, Leslie Gelbman told some editor named Allison McCabe to read the thing. I sent it to her a couple months ago, but haven't heard back. Okay, that's it. Thanks again. G.

***Redacted***

Bill: Whoa. That was a quick about-face. What happened to good old "And I'm not afraid of Oprah. So bring on the rest of the manuscript. Bill?" The guy who only this morning said, "I would think the sometimes big dame is fair game." Yikes. What'd whoever you checked with tell you? No, no, don't tell me. Look, this thing is a realistic portrayal of a realistic chick who, when she has a giant intracranial aneurysm pressing upon the temporal lobe of her brain, has realistic fantasies. They're gonna include who and what they include. It's not illegal to have a fantasy of or to parody a public figure. The Simpsons do it all the time. Get Oprah's permission. Let her play herself in the movie like John Malcovich played himself in Being John Malcovich. Don't be quite so frightened quite so easily or quite so quickly. I know what I'm doing, and it's good. There's plenty of ways of skinning proverbial cats. Perhaps if you see how the whole thing plays itself out you'll see what I'm talking about. An average woman conked out and the detritis of her conscious mind including facts readily available to her from having read "The Wit and Wisdom of Oprah Winfrey" and from Oprah's show became manifest as a realistic "dream." Big whoop. How am I supposed to "de-Oprah the story and/or transform her into someone fictional or historical?" You tell me. In a hundred years the only thing anyone will know about Oprah Winfrey will be that I wrote a book about her. Thanks again. G.

***Redacted***

Bill: You're a reasonable, straightforward guy. So am I. We'd probably work well together. I appreciate that you're trying to build a list of writers and it's common sense to steer clear of "difficult" projects. I could easily write the thing without Oprah. She sort of fell into the role due to her proximity to Rockford, Illinois more than anything else. She was a good fit, however. I don't really need her. It was a reasonable, accurately researched, well founded fantasy. Personally, I thought I was doing her a favor, but if she's gonna get all bent outa shape by being associated with a decent book for once in her life, fuck her. Maybe I'll use Whoopie Goldberg instead. Whitney Houston. Connie Chung. Geraldo. Hilary Clinton. Martha Stewart. Toni Morrison. Maya Angelou. Or some totally fictional character. Oprah ain't all that integral, although I aslo think that whatever shit she stirred up would only serve to sell more books. Land of the free, home of the brave, oh, yeah. I liked your editorial suggestions and know I'd be a good guy to have on this list you're building. The stuff I write ain't ephemeral schlock, however, if that's what you're looking for. I've got a book before this one and a book after this one. What did these people say, anyway? Just that she's a litigious control freak? Let me know what you want to do. G.

***Redacted***

Ah, how soon they forget. I copied you in an email to Gail Hochman. Thanks. Hey, good agency you found for yourself. Congratulations. G.

***Redacted***

Hey, Bill: I've got this fifty year-old Martinique chick who writes self-help books, like "Up Your Nose With a Rubber Hose, bin Laden," in mind. I wouldn't have to change the character too much as it's already written, but I went off on a tangent with this publishing industry directory bullshit. You should see the kinds of stuff I'm getting. I totally fall off my chair laughing. I'll absolutely keep you in mind. I've always heard nothing but good things about Gail Hochman. You should have said that was the agency you were affiliated with. I would have gotten rid of Oprah in a minute. I've definitely changed the title to ASTRAL WEEKEND. And I've still got all the other stuff you said to fiddle with. Thanks again. G.

JCA Literary Agency
174 Sullivan Street
New York, NY 10012
(212) 807-0888

http://www.jcalit.com

Gina Maccoby Literary Agency
P.O. Box 60
Chappaqua, New York 10514

McCormick, Williams
104 West 70th Street
New York, NY 10023

http://www.mccormickwilliams.com

Dear David: Dan Menaker suggested I send you a sample of the above-referenced novel. I'd love to do that. The next book I was going to write was going to be The Ultimate Golf Book. It was going to be a big job. Glad you beat me to it. Now all I have to do is go read it. Let me know how much you want to see & I'll send it right away. Thanks.

Dear Gerard, Dan said your novel is really good and that he thought i would really like it so I'm grateful to him for recommending me. The UGB turned out all right, if i don't say so myself. If you're interested in golf books, I'd love to talk about that, too. David

I'm gonna attach a little golfing vignette as an .rtf file to see if you can read it all right. I'll send the real book that way if you like, but I don't mind sending it in the mail. Let me know which you prefer. Thanks. G.

Dear Gerard, Your writing is energetic and funny and Giselle is a good character. But I'm afraid The Mayonnaise Man conceit seemed to me to work against the drama rather than enhance it. I don't think I'm the right agent for this book, but I'm grateful to you (and Dan) for the chance. Best, David

Jane Rotrosen Agency
318 East 51st Street
New York, NY 10022

Joëlle Delbourgo Associates
516 Bloomfield Ave., Ste. 5
Montclair, NJ 07042
(973) 783-6800

1112 Montana Ave., Ste. 286
Santa Monica, CA 90403

http://www.delbourgo.com

The Balkin Agency
PO Box 222
Amherst, MA 01004

Dear Gerry: I am sorry to have to turn down your prizewinner; I am busy making a living selling schlock and so I can't afford to take on excellent writers like you. Best of luck in your quest for the Nobel... Rick Balkin

Rick, You at least have some semblance of a sense of humor. Good luck with the schlock. Thanks. G.

Take any info you want form my listing in LMP or Writer's Market. Rick Balkin

Thanks. Here's how I've got you listed. G.

Dear Gerard: I think I prefer to being immortalized by you as a schlockmeister, perhaps also in your memoirs after you've won the Nobel for your masterpiece, rather than adding to or modifying my listing. I was disappointed not to find your email query describing your work as a prizewinner, etc. Don't be so modest! Rick

Dear Rick: Okey dokey. Oh, and it's masterpieces, by the way, plural. I'm thinking I'll win all those awards in the categories of both fiction and nonfiction in the same year for the same book. The next year it'll probably have to be just fiction all by itself. I don't think I said Nobel, though--Pulitizer, National Book Award and that Booker thing, that's it. Modest is my middle name. That Booker thing might still be only for Brits, but they'll no doubt make an exception. Here's a little sample that kicks the crap out of anything that won any of those silly prizes in the last twenty years. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch19m.mp3

Update: March, 2006

Dear Gerry: I really enjoyed rereading our exchange and wouldn't change a word. Someone with your pluck, sense of humor, chutzpah and balls really deserves some publishing reward (I suppose a novel in print would do, yes?). For $500 or less there are, as you know, three (more?) legit on-line publishers.... maybe that is the way to go. Best of luck and keep on truckin', Rick Balkin

Well, since GINNY GOOD has been published since April, 2004 and won some prizes and got some great reviews, I no longer own the rights to publish the sucker with some dickweed on-line publisher, right? I made a fifteen hour audio book out of it all on my own, however, which is far and away the most important work of literary art ever made and which I'm giving away for free. There's more to life than selling schlock. Really! There is! Believe it or not! Go listen to a litle of my slick audio book and see:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

It's about a billion times better than any of the giddy, contrived, toucy-feely, "redeeming" horsepiss that have won pussy Pulitizers or namby-pamby National Book Awards lately, that's for sure. It's tough being the best writer alive when everybody's been so brainwashed by preposterous puke that nobody even knows how to read anymore. Thanks. G.

Brockman, Inc.
5 East 59th Street
New York, NY 10022

http://www.brockman.com

Dunow, Carlson & Lerner Agency
27 West 20th Street, Ste. 1107
New York, NY 10011
(212) 645.7606

IMG Literary
825 Seventh Avenue, 9th Floor
New York, NY 10019

http://img/literary.com

RLR Associates
7 West 51st Street, 4th Flr.
New York, NY 10019
(212) 541.8641

142 Chalaka Place
Palm Desert, CA 92260
(760) 341-6307

http://www.rlrassociates.net

The Fischer-Harbage Agency
115 W. 29th St., 3rd Flr.
New York, NY 10001
(212) 695-7105

http://www.fischerharbage.com

Rosenstone/Wender
38 E. 29th Street, 10th fl.
New York, NY 10016

The Blumer Literary Agency
350 Seventh Ave., Ste. 2003
New York, NY 10001
(212) 947-3040

Elaine P. English
4710 41st Street, NW, Ste. D
Washington, DC 20016
(202) 362-5190

http://www.elaineenglish.com

Graybill & English
1875 Connecticut Avenue, NW, Suite 712
Washington, DC 20009

http://www.graybillandenglish.com

Bliss Literary Agency
1601 N. Sepulveda Blvd., Ste. 389
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266

http://www.blissliterary.com

(@) = Not a corporate fascist. (Feel free to apply for non-corporate fascist status...simply tell me in fifty words or fewer why you think you're not a corporate fascist.)

(*) = E-mail bounced. Correct information much appreciated. In fact, anyone who knows anything I don't know, let me know.

(!) = E-mail blocked (just mine, not yours), probably 'cause the intended recipient and/or the company by which he or she is owned and operated is an extra brainwashed, super chicken, corporate fascist goon.

(666) = Asked not to be contacted (by me, not by you), very likely because he or she is a happy little slave boy or a happy little slave girl and doesn't want it any other way, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com