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November 20, 2008

Here's an excerpt from Chapter Forty of Oprah's Dead Son. Don't count on ever seeing it in print 'cause the only books you're ever gonna see in print are silly books written by silly writers, repped by silly agents, published by silly publishers, promoted by silly media boys and girls and made into movies by silly talent agencies. Oh, in case anyone thinks this excerpt sounds "anti-Semitic," keep in mind it's fiction. Nobody in his or her right mind could ever possibly believe or take seriously any of the folderol this wholly unlikable character spouts off about.

OPRAH'S DEAD SON Chapter Forty (excerpt) "Those last ones are all in government or politics," Oprah says. "Government and politics is entertainment, are you kidding? Name me one politician that wasn't hand-picked by Jews or guys who kiss up to Jews. You can't. Same goes for movie stars, rap singers, news anchors and all the rest. Politicians get hyped by the media and entertainment monopoly like any other celebrity. Or not. They're pawns in the big chess game concocted by media and entertainment to keep people blissfully stupid, to keep them slaves, to keep them consuming the crap they consume, but even all those guys are just the tip of the iceberg. Tens of thousands of Nazi Jews run every aspect of media and entertainment, including politics, and that's not even counting all the guys who kiss up to Jews. When you include them, holy Christ, it's everyone—journalism schools, The White House, K Street, publicists, bloggers, critics, social networks, cartoons, video games, think tanks, foundations, book stores, Amazon, English departments, film schools, comedy clubs, music, Broadway, the NFL, baseball, boxing, the Borscht Belt, the Friars Club, PBS, NPR, Sesame Street, talk radio, everything, all sources of information, all forms of communication. Nobody believes anything that's not propounded and promoted by the goons who run media and entertainment companies. Hype is the fountainhead of all viable knowledge and hype is inflated, overblown, lying crap...like, by definition. Lord, what mushrooms we mortals be—they keep us in the dark and feed us bullshit. "Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews have created the most massive, oppressive, incestuous, unassailable propaganda confabulation ever made by man to enslave other men. Starting with Sponge Bob, it rots the minds of kids before they can talk, teaches teachers to keep the little buggers' clueless when they're old enough to go to school and turns the latest crop of what they call adults over to fear, insecurity, patriotism, greed, self-aggrandizement, banks, mortgage companies and endless advertising, all of which conspire to make sure the ignorant twits spend the rest of their lives as happy little empty-headed slaves raising the next generation of happy little empty-headed slaves, consuming umpteen tons of worthless goods and services, wrecking the planet, making money for their owners hand over fist and starting the whole vicious cycle all over again. Anything that generates any kind of hype at all is run by Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews and the only thing they ever really hype is each other, the sacred State of Israel and the never-ending joy of making more and more money for the Nazi conglomerates that own them. "All the big movie and TV studios are owned and operated exclusively by Jews and guys who kiss up to Jews, NBC Universal, Disney, Fox, Warner Brothers, Sony, Viacom, MGM. Same goes for all the big literary and talent agencies, CAA, William Morris, ICM, Endeavor, Gersh, IMG, etc.—guys like Norman Brokaw, Jeff Berg, Risa Shapiro, Jim Wiatt, Dave Wirtschafter, John Burnham, Ari Emanuel, Tracey Jacobs, Sam Gores, Mark Steinberg, Harry Abrams and the hundreds of giddy little nitwits who call themselves literary agents: Esther Newberg, Lisa Bankoff, Suzanne Gluck, Mel Berger, Peter Ginsberg, Mort Janklow, Robert Gottlieb, Charlotte Sheedy, Ellen Levine, Steve Wasserman, Al Zuckerman, on and on and on. The only people any of these guys ever sell anything to or buy anything from is other Jews or other guys who kiss up to Jews. It's a fascist, incestuous, criminal cabal and anyone who deigns to say so is obviously completely insane. "If it weren't for Jews in media and entertainment there wouldn't be any media or entertainment. And I haven't even mentioned management companies, sports agents, record companies, PR guys, entertainment lawyers, Jacob Bloom, Bert Fields, Bruce Ramer, the list goes on and on for ever and ever. Nothing that doesn't have the Jewish Seal of Approval ever makes its way into the consciousness of ordinary consumers, period—in exactly the same way that nothing that didn't have the Nazi Seal of Approval ever made its way into the consciousness of ordinary Germans in the Third Reich. Those last guys are the guys who really call the shots—agents and managers and publicists and lawyers and such. They're the gatekeepers, the ghouls and goblins of capitalist cruelty, the overseers of never-ending excess, the Simon Legrees of greed, the sheepherders of the apocalypse, the Mengeles and Eichmanns of the next Holocaust. They totally stick together and only give a rat's ass about other Jews the way Nazis only gave a rat's ass about other Nazis...and among them they have an absolute stranglehold on all media and all entertainment and all politics. You don't blow your nose in New York or Hollywood unless you give some bunch of Jews a percentage of the snot to sanctify the handkerchief... Read the whole chapter here and more stuff along the same lines here. Or not.

If you want to listen to some sample chapters from The Audio Book of Ginny Good, click this:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

Here's a three minute introduction:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch00introm.mp3

Or click this link to hear the single greatest chapter ever made in the history of all literature:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch19m.mp3

Here's the real book of Ginny Good in its entirety for free (everything I do is free):

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

If you want a copy of the whole huge fifteen-hour audio book extravaganza on .mp3 CDs, give me an address and I'll send you a copy. There's a bunch of other stuff on my little website, too. Click some links and see. Thanks. G.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com
http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com

"...they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be
thee, nuncle..."

International Creative Management
825 Eighth Avenue
New York, NY 10019
(212) 556-5600

8942 Wilshire Blvd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

ICM LA Agents

http://www.icmtalent.com

The choppy sentences and fragments drive me nuts. I'm sorry I have to pass. Mitch Douglas

Call me Ishmael. Jesus wept. Mistah Kurtz—he dead. I have no doubt that incalculable numbers of people have been and continue to be locked away in institutions for the incurably insane as a result of having been subjected to choppy sentences and fragments. Also, some guy at Simon & Schuster made me write a synopsis. I never writ no synopsis before, so I thought I'd try to waste a little more of your time by including it. Don't worry about responding. I thrive on snippy notes and silent rejection. G.

Thank you for your letter but I am just not in a position to add a new writer to my list at the present time. I do wish you luck. Mitch

Hi, What a pleasant surprise to get your note. I'll take a look at this and get right back to you. thanks, Kris

Dear Kris: Two weeks ago you sent me an e-mail saying you'd get right back to me. You probably think I'm someone else. I'm not. Let's start over. Here's a synopsis and the first chapter of a novel a million people will want to buy and which will win a bunch of prizes for literary excellence. It will be a tricky book to get published, however, partly because everybody's scared of offending Oprah Winfrey but mainly because it's good and agents and editors traffic primarily in schlock these days. Let me know if you want to take a look. Thanks. G.

You're right, I did mistake you for someone else named Gerald. In any case, I apologize for the tardy response especially since I am going to pass. I'm not taking on many new fiction clients right now and this novel just isn't a good fit for my list. Best wishes for finding the right home and thanks for the shot. k

William Morris Agency
1325 Avenue of the Americas, 15th Flr.
New York, NY 10019
(212) 586-5100

One William Morris Place
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
(310) 859-4000

WMA LA Agents

http://www.wma.com

Can you please send us the first few chapters to review. Thank you, Emily Nurkin Assistant to Suzanne Gluck

Okay. Look for it toward the end of the week. Thanks. G.

Please send the manuscript in its entirety. Thank you, Emily Nurkin

Dear Emily: I've been sick with some whacko flu, but I'll get it there as soon as I can. Thanks. Gerard Jones

Great, feel better.

Dear Mr. Jones: Thank you for sending me OPRA WIMSFREE & THE MAYONNAISE MAN. My colleagues and I read your manuscript and unfortunately, do not have the necessary enthusiasm for your project to persue representation. Sincerely, Suzanne Gluck

Dear Gerard, Thank you so much for offering us the chance to look at your work with a view towards representation. Unfortunately, your work does not seem to be quite right for us. As you probably know, publishing is an industry based largely on instinct and emotional response. Since your work deserves the energetic and passionate representation that we can't offer you, we will step aside for an agent who can and undoubtedly will. Regards, Katie Glick, Assistant to Jennifer Rudolph Walsh

Dear Katie: Nice boilerplate, man. And from Jennifer's second assistant, too. Wow. Am I honored or what? Since you obviously haven't a clue what my work's about I'm sure it didn't seem "quite right" for you. Here's some quotes from some reviews of my first book—which was the editor's only choice as the best nonfiction book of 2004 in January Magazine—to give you a better idea of what my other books are like. Thanks. G.

"Comparisons with Salinger and Twain are not overstated..."

"...turned my soul inside out. Ginny was one of the most lambent pieces of writing I've ever read. It ripped me apart on the inside so much that I couldn't function for days...the best of tragedies, top notch Greek quality..."

"I was not reminded of any other book when I put this book down, and so I can only come to one conclusion: this is a great and new kind of literature!"

"Though not a short book, it can be read in one gulp-it's so seamless and effortless and is obviously the work of a tremendous craftsman."

"...it's great to read a book that actually means something. To the author, and to me. It's heartfelt, real, and incredibly funny."

"I've got three kids, and it's been a long time since I had the time, energy, or room within me to let a book suck me in the way this one did. When I got my copy of Lolita, years ago, the cover quote was, 'The only convincing love story of our century.' That was the 20th century, however, and as far as that quote goes, the torch ought to be passed to Ginny Good."

"...makes Angela's Ashes look like a Harlequin romance."

"I've chosen to take the dark sadness that I found in some parts of Ginny Good and attribute them to the author's skill rather than things he had to endure..."

"....Jones cares deeply about everything that befalls him and Ginny and the others we meet in Ginny Good. And he wants us to know he cares, but he wants us to find our own way to that conclusion. It's this intelligent respect for the intelligence of his reader that makes Ginny Good sing."

"You are, well, you are the real thing. Your book is the real thing. Absolutely beautiful writing. Damned near perfect. Maybe even flawless. Yow. Thank you."

"...for a while I thought the fire of literary creation had gone all the way out. In this book I think I see a coal still glowing in there somewhere."

Dear Mr. Jones: Lately I've been receiving a number of email pitches for novels from unrepresented writers. I found this surprising, as I am not a literary agent (I represent actors and directors who work in the theater). Finally taking the time to search the web, I think I have traced the source of this phenomenon to your listing me as a literary agent on your website. I would appreciate your removing my name and email address, as I have no wish to disappoint authors whom I am in no position to help in the first place. Best wishes for the New Year, David Kalodner

Hey, David, I include as many agents as I can figure out e-mail addresses for but I'll gladly include your job description so you won't be approached by writers. If you like Broadway history, you'll like this (Chapter Four). Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

Thank you very much for contacting the William Morris Agency. It is with regret that I have to tell you that we cannot accept unsolicited submissions. As a matter of policy, we delete emails of this nature without reading the description of the project and, in accordance with that policy, we are doing so in this case. Please do not take this as meaning we have any negative views about your talents as a writer or about your work. We need to follow this policy because of the huge volume of unsolicited submissions we receive. I wish you the best of luck with the project and in finding success in your writing career. Sincerely, Wayne S. Kabak, William Morris Agency, LLC

Wylie Agency
250 West 57th Street, Suite 2114
New York, NY 10107

http://www.wylieagency.com

Curtis Brown, Ltd.
Ten Astor Place
New York, NY 10003
(212) 473-5400

1750 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, CA 94111

http://www.curtisbrown.com

Sorry, not my sort of thing. Emilie Jacobson, Curtis Brown, Ltd.

Please do not include my e-mail address in your collection. Emilie Jacobson

Sterling Lord Literistic, Inc.
65 Bleecker Street
New York, NY 10012

http://www.sll.com

Dear Mr. Jones: I would like to begin by complimenting you on a well-written effort. I think that with this manuscript you are off to a good start: you've established your voice and you've shown that you have a sense of humor, both of which are no mean feats. My biggest problem is that in its present format, the following of events as the protagonist's life unfurls quickly loses the initial punch evidenced in your very strong first chapter. You set up the narrator as a ballsy, hilarious figure, and then we go back to see where he's come from, and we lose the wry outlook established early on. I do want to emphasize that you are a good writer and at your best when candid, direct, and depicting the crazy quirkiness of people lurking just beneath the surface. In my opinion, Dead Ginny should have more of an overarching plotline. I'd like to see this read more like a novel in the guise of a life story and less like a retelling of one person's life story. I hope this distinction isn't too arcane. I think what you really need here is a tightening of the work, and to rethink the story—what is the dramatic high point? What do you want readers to remember most? I especially appreciated the misanthropic, in-your-face tone (i.e., 'so sue me') and think that this is something you have to keep, even if you do decide to rework this material. Once you've had a chance to read this letter, please feel free to give me a call. I'd like to see another version of this material, and I'd be interested in continuing to have discussions with you. I hope to hear from you soon. Claudia Cross

Dear Claudia: Without admitting anything in your letter was even partly right but recognizing that you probably know more about how to sell a book than I do, I took it all apart, got rid of around eighty pages, put it back together again and came up with the Claudia Cross Commercial Version, the first half or so of which I'm enclosing along with this letter. Don't think I liked getting rid of eighty pages, either. I didn't. I had to get rid of all kinds of stuff it pissed me off to have to get rid of; but, no, no, no, they can't be there anymore. Claudia Cross says so. She wants to represent books she can sell. Yeah, well, you can hardly blame her for that, I guess. So see if you think you can sell it now. If you think you can, let me know and I'll send you the rest. I would have called you when I got your letter, but decided just to redo it instead. The so-called dramatic high-point is chapter nine, but the rest of what I've left in sort of matters too. It's not easy getting the drama of fiction to work with the facts of a biography. It's like a symphony. Themes come along early on that get played out more fully later. Personally, I think I've done a hell of a job. If you like the guy in the first chapter, how he got to be who you like is part of the story. Thanks for taking a look at it again. Try not to be too flip this time. Sincerely, Gerard Jones

Dear Claudia: Since I haven't heard from you in a couple months, I presume you're not utterly enraptured with the idea of representing my stuff. I don't have a problem with that. I must also presume, however, that you lack the common courtesy to have let me know that you're not utterly enraptured with the idea of representing my stuff. That sort of ill-mannered arrogance and imperiousness has a tendency to catch up with a person in the long run. It doesn't bother me, particularly, I'm used to it, but, for your sake, you might want to try to be a little more considerate in the future. Thanks again.

Dear Gerard: Thank you for your letter of August 24. I am going to be sending DEAD GINNY back to you under separate cover. I have held on to this manuscript for some time because I have been very tempted by your writing. I think your strengths are your direct writing style and your sense of humor. As I was reading, I thought of AN UNDERACHIEVER'S DIARY by Ben Anastas which Dial Press published, and your sense of humor reminded me at times of David Sedaris' NAKED. Despite your obvious talents, and after much deliberation, however, I just wasn't convinced that I could successfully place this novel with a publisher, and for that reason, I've got to return your work to you. Please accept my best wishes for success with this manuscript. In future, if you come up with other novels, I'd be very interested in reading them.

Dear Claudia: I got your note. Sorry about calling you names, but I get a little ticked sometimes. If you don't think you can sell it, you probably can't. I like it that you were tempted. All kinds of people have been tempted. You probably think you can't sell it because it ain't exactly a chick book and you're of a generation to whom the sixties are a crushing bore—both of which propositions are entirely true—but what happened in the boring sixties, specifically in the brains of the people who were there, has had a lot to do with what has become American culture. Lots of things are a lot less influential about which books are written and sold. If you don't think you can sell it, maybe you can talk to someone else around there who might think he or she can. How about it? What do you say? Thanks.

Dear Gerard: Thank you for your letter of 9/2. Acting on your suggestion, I did share DEAD GINNY with another of my (male) associates here In the Literary Department, and despite the fact that he is perhaps more likely to respond to the 60's setting, he did not feel strongly enough about the material to pursue this project any further. For this reason, and with regrets, I must return your material to you herewith, all the while imagining that to my chagrin, I'll see your name soon in Publishers Weekly for having made a sale to a great publisher. Let me please reiterate that I think you are quite talented, and would be very interested in taking a look at anything else you write.

Dear Claudia: Thanks for getting a second opinion. It's good to know my book really sucks, which makes me appreciate your vacillation all the more. Just to let you know you're not the only person I've called names, I'm including a copy of some of my correspondence with other editors, publishers and agents (bold type means they still have the thing)—just chuck it if you don't have time to read it, and be thankful I didn't include the entire list of 893 people who don't want to publish or represent my book either. Chick is a term of endearment, by the way. When I'm not trying to peddle this piece of crap, I am writing another book—something along the lines of a blockbuster. I'll let you see it when it's done. Some mystery book editor at Simon & Schuster made me write a synopsis, so I'm including that too. I'm also including parts of my book which I thought you might have wanted edited out and which I've now put back in. Don't worry about reading any of this, and especially don't worry about sending it back. It's all just a little present for your having turned out to have been kind of a kindhearted chick after all. Sincerely, Gerard Jones

Dear Gerard: I hate to say this, because I definitely remember you and I liked your brash, confident writing style... but I've just had a really great novel out with a few editors, and we came really close with one publisher. However, in the completely fictional story, there is a character who might be Oprah-like, and more than one publisher was scared that somehow they might offend Oprah. Everyone wanted to stay far away. So, let me say that having met with this response so recently, perhaps you should contact another agent with this novel. Glad to hear from you, though, and good luck as you continue to write.

Dear Claudia: You're totally missing out, man. It could make your whole career. You'll see. Tee hee. I don't just have a character vaguely resembling Oprah, I have Oprah herself reunited with the kid she had when she was fourteen who she told everyone had died shortly after his birth. Ha! He's now thirty-three and has been living with his powerful daddy on a mountain top in Tennessee. It was his daddy who helped make Oprah the billion dollar industry she is. How about them apples? There are publishers who can take a joke aren't there? I'm betting even Oprah can take a joke, since she and her fictional son are incidental to the main character and the coolest, most riveting plot ever. It's way good. You'll be sorry. You'll be kicking yourself. Thanks anyway. G.

Hey, did you see where GG got named the Ninth Best Nonfiction Book published anywhere in the world in 2004? If they would've called it fiction it would've been First Best. Pretty slick, huh? G.

Per your request, I sent you a copy of the above-referenced book three months ago. I'm not trying to rush you, by any means, but I am beginning to get a little curious. I figure you probably already found a publisher for the thing. I'll tell you what, do me a favor. When they start getting remainders back, have someone send me a copy. Thanks.

I fear I fit into one of your literary agent categories, but at least you've heard from me, live. I wish I were more attuned to your work, but as I am not I think I'm the wrong guy to represent you. Good luck. George Nicholson

Apparently my dunning letter and your rejection letter crossed in the mail. I don't recall categorizing agents, but, then again, I haven't spent the last three months reading my book over and over either. You probably know more about what's in it than I do at this point. I don't want anyone who's not attuned to my stuff representing it any more than they would want to, but, since you've still got the thing, maybe someone else around there might want to take a look at it. Also, just out of curiosity, why have you still got the thing? Any time I've ever asked to read someone else's books I've always returned them when I was through. Thanks again.

Janklow & Nesbit
445 Park Avenue
New York, New York 10022
(212) 421-1700

Dear Lynn Nesbit: I got recommended to you by Gordon Lish in 1963. You liked what I sent you & said you wanted to see new stuff when I had some. It's been awhile, but I have some. I'm just about done with the above-referenced FICTION NOVEL WITH A FAT PLOT AND LOTS OF DRAMA, which is truly stunningly good and sort of extra timely. If you want to see the first however many pages you may wish to see, let me know. Thanks. Gerard Jones

Dear Gerard Jones, Thank you very much for thinking of me in connection with your novel. Unfortunately, at this time I am very busy with work for my current clients and therefore must severely limit the number of new projects I can agree to undertake. I would be unable to devote the time and attention your project deserves. I am sorry I could not be more helpful, and I wish you well in your search for representation. Sincerely, Lynn Nesbit

Oh, shucks. You're a sweetheart, anyway...and here's a little story you might like about me and Gordon Lish in 1963 (Chapter Eight). Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn2.html

I am going to be taking some family leave (upon the birth of my second child) and am clearing the decks for a while. You might try my colleague Richard Morris. As for the guide, what kind of information do you need? E.

Dear Eric: First congratulations. My third and fourth grandchildren were twins a couple years ago. Second, I sent Richard Morris fifty pages of a book, told him you had suggested I do so, and haven't heard anything from him in at least four months. Third, for the guide, whatever information you may wish to provide. Thanks again. G.

I will get on Richard's case. As for me, I have been an agent at Janklow & Nesbit Associates since 1991, specializing in general nonfiction and fiction. Clients include Jhumpa Lahiri, Bob Greene, Bill O'Reilly, Louis Gerstner, Douglas Coupland, Stephen J. Cannell, Thisbe Nissen, Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. Eric

Steven J. Cannell! Yikes. I based my whole huge book in Rockford, Illinois and gave the chick a Firebird because of Steven J. Cannell. Tell him I said so. Thanks. G.

Dear Gerard, Eric passed along your note this morning and I wanted to apologize for not getting back to you sooner. Your manuscript was mistakenly placed in a stack of unsolicited material, which, as you might imagine, is quite high. You have wonderful character in Giselle and her hardened sarcastic slant on the world is well pitched here. I admit to having no idea where you're going with these mysterious phone calls and I worry that the story is relying too heavily on this one quirky note but I'm intrigued with who or what might be behind "I'm the Mayonnaise Man!" If you feel I've had this long enough I understand. I promise not to take 4 months or even 4 weeks with the rest of the manuscript. Again my deepest apologies, Best, Richard

Dear Richard: Does that mean you want to see the rest of the manuscript? Which I, of course, would be delighted to send you. It's been transformed some in the last few months--the new title is ASTRAL WEEKEND, for one thing. If I had my pick of what agency to get myself represented by, it would be Janklow & Nesbit. I'll tell you a sad story. When I was a kid, Gordon Lish recommended a literary agent to me, some chick named Lynn Nesbit who was just getting started with Sterling Lord. I sent her some stuff. She liked it. I got otherwise entangled and didn't write much for the next thirty years. Take your total time with anything you already have or whatever else you may want me to send you, but let me know what you want me to do. Thanks. G.

Gerard, Please send the manuscript along. Love to see how the story plays out. Best, Richard

Dear Richard: Will do, but I'm reworking the whole thing one more time with the new title and with some things I figured out when I got to the end which I have to go back and fix in the beginning. You can get the general idea, however, from what I'll send you, except that it'll be better by the time you're through with it. This is one you can totally take your time with, in other words. Thanks. G.

Dear Richard: As I mentioned in an e-mail, I'm reworking the above-referenced novel one more time so some of the chapters are going to have the old chapter headings because there was no point in printing the whole thing out fresh at this stage. I'm also sending the same thing to Fred Ramey and Charles Spicer, both of whom asked to see it, and maybe to Anton Mueller at Houghton Mifflin, if he still wants to take a look at it after I sent him a synopsis. I'll include a copy of the letter to Charles Spicer, 'cause I mentioned to him that I was sending the thing to you. It's probably too whacked for everyone, but, as you can see from the last pages I've included, I'm toying with some alternate ideas. I'm looking forward to hearing your take on the thing. Thanks again. Gerard Jones

Dear Gerry, I'm afraid my fears with your manuscript were realized after reviewing the story in full. Giselle is a fresh dose of attitude and I was rooting for her to break this Alice in Wonderland spell and enter the real world. Unfortunately she loses and, I think, quickly becomes overwhelmed by an unwieldy and quite implausible plot. I'm sorry not to have better news and I certainly wish you the best of luck with this. All the best, Richard Morris

Hey, Richard, thanks for taking a look at the first hundred and twenty pages or so of ASTRAL WEEKEND. I have a secret way of telling what was read and what wasn't read. Sorry you were looking for something different, or, in this case, something more the same. It was cool of you to read it at all, however. I have a lot of confidence that it's a good enough book with a strong and realistic enough premise to overcome the apparently unwieldy and implausible "plot." It was Kafka, I think, who said the world order is based on a lie. I'd rather waste my time trying to expose that underlying lie than waste my time trying to buy into it, whether that makes what I write "unmarketable" or not. Again, I appreciate it that you took the time to read as much as you did. Thanks. G.

InkWell Management
521 Fifth Avenue, Ste. 2600
New York, NY 10175
(212) 922-3500

http://www.inkwellmanagement.com

Harold Ober Associates, Inc.
425 Madison Ave.
New York, NY 10017

http://www.haroldober.com

Dear Gerard, Thank you for your recent letter. I'm sorry to say that I feel my workload at present is just too heavy for me to take on any new authors. I don't think it would be fair to my present clients or to you to take on more than I can reasonably handle. I wish you every success with your work. Sincerely, Phyllis Westberg

Oh, phooey. Thanks anyway. But, hey, so how about recommending it to someone else around there? What an excellent idea! Thanks. G.

Gerard, You are a guilty pleasure - like Marshmallow Fluff and such Seventies rock groups as Styx, Abba and Rush. Keep up the good work, however misguided. My information is correct, btw. Cheers, Jake

...but I did not shoot the deputy. Misguided? Pfssh. I know exactly what I'm doing and exactly why I'm doing it...and it's working. Go get a copy of Ginny Good and see. Thanks. G.

Just when I think I?ve heard it all I get another email from Gerard Jones. Keep on truckin? Gerard – we?re rooting for you!

Hey, the last time I sent out an innocent e-mail or two some rat agent bitched to my ISP and I couldn't send any more e-mails for a month. I figured I'd catch you guys while you busy having Happy Holidays. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch35m.mp3

The Gersh Agency
41 Madison Ave., 33rd Floor
New York, NY 10010-2210
(212) 634-8126

Gersh LA

Melanie Jackson Agency
41 W. 72nd St., Ste. 3-F
New York, NY 10023
(212) 873-3373

Darhansoff, Verrill, Feldman Literary Agents
236 West 26th Street, Ste. 802
New York, NY 10001

http://www.dvagency.com

Trident Media Group
41 Madison Avenue, 36th Flr.
New York, NY 10010

http://www.tridentmediagroup.com

There are a number of books and sites that specialize in this kind of info, and they provide agents with a questionaire to fill out so that the information included is consistent for everyone. I suggest you do the same, and I'll be happy to fill one out. And sorry, no, I'm not interested in the projects you describe, but thanks for the chance. Jenny Bent

I don't have a form. I just use whatever I can find or whatever anyone chooses to provide. I'll include your url. Thanks. G.

Is it me, or are these listings not alphabetized? I admit to being confused easily, but if they aren't, it would be really useful to alphabetize them. Jenny Bent

The way I did it is explained here:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/about.html

And there's that search thingy on the index page and at the tops of all the other pages, too. I hate the alphabet. It confuses me. G.

Thanks for checking in again. Pretty much everything you need to know is on my website (you kindly list the URL above, I see). I tend to like funny books about women (fiction or nonfiction) and fairly dark, serious literary fiction or nonfiction. I've had two New York Times bestsellers this year--Laurie Notaro's IDIOT GIRLS ACTION ADVENTURE CLUB, which was on for eight weeks this summer and Jill Conner Browne's SWEET POTATO QUEENS BIG ASS COOKBOOK (and Financial Planner), which is #1 on the tradepaper nonfiction list this coming Sunday. They both fall into the funny books about women category. I don't do children's books and I don't do political books and I don't really do thrillers or mysteries. I only like to do books that I can have fun with, and so I try to avoid clients who don't view this as a collaboration. I like to see it as an adventure. Thanks for presenting this forum. Jenny Bent

I'll include the updated information and I appreciate your encouragement. Thanks. G.

I'd like to add that I'm doing lots of women's fiction, romance, YA and chick lit since coming to Trident in September. Thanks so much!

Cool. Consider it added. Hey, check this out for dark, scary chick lit:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/awsyn.html

You'd be amazed how many dark, scary chicks there are. And congratulations on the new agency; you've got a great reputation among writers, you know. Thanks. G.

As one of your ignorant ignoramuses, I have to thank you for the always entertaining e-mails. Keep up the good work—you?re obviously having fun with it, which is the only way to stay sane in this industry. J

You're among the fortunate few people in the known universe and beyond who get what I'm doing, at all. Those who have ears, hear...those who don't, look sort of funny. Remember all the people in Field of Dreams who couldn't see Shoeless Joe Jackson and the rest of the players? Whose fault was that? Neither yours nor mine. Here's a little more chick lit for you. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch07m.mp3

Dear Gerard, Hope you are well. I?m still doing women?s fiction, humor, literary fiction, not so much chick lit these days. I love a good memoir as well. In terms of sensibility, as I edge ever so closer to 40, I find I?m not as interested in hip and edgy as I am in heartwarming and sincere. Make me laugh or make me cry or both and I?m sold. Thanks much! Jenny

Man, you're the only person that ever says anything to me anymore. Pushing forty, pfssh, a mere child. Here's a story that will make you laugh and cry at the same time or you don't know how to listen:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch33m.mp3

Here's the index to the mp3 audio book that chapter comes from. If you want a copy of the whole thing, let me know. Everything I do is free. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

Hey Gerard, You are a riot! And congratulations on GINNY GOOD. Best of luck with Hollywood...All the best, Mel

Hey, Mel, thanks. I am. I crack myself up. I don't think it's luck one needs with Hollywood, but it's definitely not skill, either. I have no idea what it is, but I'm gonna keep trying different things just to see how many don't work. Thanks. G.

You seem like you totally get it. It's not luck; it's not skill. It's that other thing...

I do totally get it but only those who have ears hear...it's amazing how many earless people there are wandering around, looking sort of funny. Here's a free story for you for being such a sweetie. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch13m.mp3

Williams & Connolly LLP
725 Twelfth Street, NW
Washington, DC 20005

http://www.wc.com

Sanford J. Greenburger Associates
55 FIfth Ave., 15th fl.
New York, NY 10003

http://www.greenburger.com

Donadio & Olson
121 West 27th St., Ste. 704
New York, NY 10001
(212) 691-8077

We do not want any unsolicited submissions via e-mail. Thanks, Edward

Kneerim & Williams
at Fish & Richardson
225 Franklin Street
Boston, MA 02110
(617) 542-5070

153 E. 53rd Street
New York, NY 10022
(212) 765-5070

http://www.fr.com

Ned Leavitt Agency
70 Wooster St., Ste. 4-F
New York, NY 10012
(212) 334-0999

http://www.nedleavittagency.com

Writers House
21 West 26th Street
New York, NY 10010
(212) 685-2400

3368 Governor Dr., Ste. 224-F
San Diego, CA 92122

http://www.writershouse.com

Sent query letter and 54 pages with SASE. No response after five months.

Dear Albert Zuckerman: Six months ago I sent you a query letter, a synopsis and the first fifty pages of a novel. In the mail yesterday I finally got my SASE back. Yippee! Inside the envelope I provided you there was a form letter rejecting my proposal out of hand and a brochure about your book: WRITING THE BLOCKBUSTER NOVEL. How very niggardly of you to use my stamps and my envelope to advertise your schlock book, not to mention how thoughtless it was to keep my project for six months. At six months a pop, getting my book rejected by every agent in New York would take upwards of three hundred years. You and I both might be kind of old by then and the book may be a tad less topical. You're a well respected agent. Do you have any idea why? I sure don't. Thanks. Gerard Jones

Dear Mr. Jones, We apologize for the belated delay—our office has suffered several clerical mishaps and bad interns in the past months. Best of luck to you though, and I we do hope you find a publisher before 300 years...! Fay Greenfield, Assistant to Albert Zuckerman

Dear Fay: It was a nicely written form letter, I'll give you that, on good bond paper, no less, and my return envelope would otherwise have gone to waste anyway. At least I know you guys didn't steam the stamps off my SASE and go try cashing them in at the post office—which is what I suspect most literary agents do with all the other return envelopes I never got back, not even after six months. That could be a thriving business. Set yourself up as a literary agent, get a bunch of starving writers to send you stamped envelopes, steam off the stamps and go cash them in once a month or so. Thanks again. G.

Hmmm. That's a pretty insulting letter regarding Al Zuckerman that you've posted on your site! Emily Kischell, Assistant to Al Zuckerman

Dear Emily: Really? You think so? I thought it was sort of funny myself. Tastes vary wildly vis-a-vis humor, however. Thanks. G.

Dear Mr. Jones, Ah, at last! My words are immortalized on your website! I can die happy. I would very much appreciate it if you would be so kind as to remove Al Zuckerman's email address from your agent list. Al does not accept emailed queries. Thank you in advance. Regards, Emily Kischell, Assistant to Albert Zuckerman

Dear Ms. Kischell: You are so immortal. Glad I could oblige. Nobody accepts e-mail queries, are you kidding? Please refer to my e-mail address inclusion and exclusion policy at the bottom of this page:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/about.html

Oh, and my letter to Al won me a prize. Ha! Check it out in the "Awards" section of this page:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/wps.html

Thanks again. G.

Dear Mr. Jones, And yet when people see Al's e-mail address guess they decide to send e-mail queries and gigantic files full of e-manuscripts. And I have to e-mail each and every one of them explaining how they need to use the postal system to send their queries, when what I should be doing with that time is continuing to read all the manuscripts and proposals that are already here so that authors such as yourself and Writers House clients do not have to wait five months to get responses. Sound familiar!? Alas, we'll have to suffer some sort of e-mail onslaught no matter what you choose to do in this case. So anyway, thanks for your time. Emily Kischell, Immortal

Dear Immortal: Here's the thing. When I include the things you say about how a good, well-respected, successful agent like Al Zuckerman works, how much he has to do and how it's usually you who has to do it, people will get a better idea of how to most effectively approach him to represent their work—or not approach him as the case may be. If it's a waste of time to send queries by any means, say so. Say what's most effective. Queries through the mail? Cool. People will see that and send queries through the mail. You might just stumble upon an e-mail or two worth passing along, as well. Sorry about the onslaught, but it's certainly not just me that's causing it and it will all sort itself out somehow. As you know, things are done now and will increasingly be done via e-mail and my little directory's gonna come in handy for that. These sorts of relatively civil exchanges go a long ways toward demystifying the process of getting a good agent and getting a good book published. Thanks for your time too. G.

Cheers! To good books being published. Emily

Dear Mr. Jones: I apologize for the long delay in responding to you. Unfortunately, this doesn't sound from the title like my cup of tear, so I wish you the best of luck. Yours, Simon Lipskar

Don't judge a book by its title. This is gonna sell more copies than anything published in the last ten years. You'll be eating your little heart out. G.

I'm not a literary agent and don't represent my own clients, so it is a total dead end for people to query me.

Okey-dokey, I've let them know. Thanks. G.

(@) = Not a corporate fascist. (Feel free to apply for non-corporate fascist status...simply tell me in fifty words or fewer why you think you're not a corporate fascist.)

(*) = E-mail bounced. Correct information much appreciated. In fact, anyone who knows anything I don't know, let me know.

(!) = E-mail blocked (just mine, not yours), probably 'cause the intended recipient and/or the company by which he or she is owned and operated is an extra brainwashed, super chicken, corporate fascist goon.

(666) = Asked not to be contacted (by me, not by you), very likely because he or she is a happy little slave boy or a happy little slave girl and doesn't want it any other way, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com